the end

" plain talking

has took us so far

plain talking

has served us so well

we travelled through hell

oh! how we fell"

Moby~lift me up

i am thinking of closing down this blog, i don't feel comfortable sharing my thoughts anymore, i am tired of the illusion that someone out there is following, listening... no more illusions

maybe i would come back to it after some time .. maybe i'd start another one with a new spirit

but for now this is the end

" hear my words and I might teach you,

take my arms and I might reach you,

but my words like silent rain drops fell,

echo in a wold of silence"

simon garfunkel ~ sound of silence

let mercy come

we're only human, we all make mistakes and we feel guilty if it, we might feel shamed or disgraced, but what is life but a test, and god is more generous more forgiving that we can ever imagine despite being fair and powerful more than we can imagine... he created out weaknesses and he knows how hard this life .. this test is to go through with no mistakes that it might not be even possible.... so he is always there waiting to forgive us and he will, he promised us that he will the moment, the second the instant we think of him... but the only thing that stands in our way is ourselves, to part from our weakness to give ourselves a chance to forgive our own selves of whatever it is we've done....

In this farewell

There’s no blood

There’s no Alibi

‘Cause I’ve Drawn Regret

From the truth Of a Thousand Lies

So let Mercy Come

And Wash Away

What I’ve Done

I'll face myself

To Cross out what I’ve Become

Erase Myself

And let Go of What I’ve done

Put to rest

What you Thought of Me

While I clean this Slate

With the Hands of Uncertainty

For What I’ve Done

I start again

And whatever pain may come

Today this ends

I’m Forgiving What I’ve Done!!!

What I’ve Done

Forgiving What I’ve Done

[linkin park ~ what I've done]

weak

the toughest looking people are always the weakest inside, looking tougher to avoid hurting their fragile inside, and everyone is fooled ....... just fooled, with the steely exterior ,even the closest people, they might just bleed their lives away under that huge smile and no one would know..... no one would feel ... no one would listen to the pleads, the cries for help in between the silently spoken words.........

[K's choice ~ weak]

Lost in time I can't count the words

Said when I thought they went unheard

All of those harsh thoughts so unkind

'Cos I wanted you

(And) now I sit here I'm all alone

here sits a bloody mess, tears fly home

A circle of angels, deep in war

'Cos I wanted you

Weak as I am, no tears for you

Weak as I am, no tears for you

Deep is I am, I'm no ones fool

Weak as I am

And what am I now but loves' last home

I'm all of the soft words I once owned

If I opened my heart, there'd be no space for air

'Cos I wanted you

With this tainted soul

In this weak young heart

Am I too much for you?

weak as I am

Am I too much for you??

weak as I am

my best wasn't good enough

hurt me one more time,

stab me real deep,

maybe i'll learn the lession this time,

maybe this time my words i'll keep,

have another blow at my soul,

harder .. stronger,

maybe it will lie still this time,

don't worry ur never there when i weep,

lie to me one more time,

make more promises, dreams u can't keep,

maybe i'll give up this time,

and i'll be able to stand on my feet

~NooNa

---------------------------------------------------

[anouk ~ my best wasn't good enough]

Lets say Im feeling better

Lets say Im feeling fine

Lets say I gave you all I had

And now Im out of time

And my best wasnt good enough

And now this time to wonder

Now this time to heal

Time to let it all come down

But I dont know what I feel

But it aches and it hurts and it burns

Oh it kills me

Tick, tock, you dont stop

You dont fade

You just stay

But Ill do it all again

Now dont you call me baby

Just dont pretend you care

Save your sorry for yourself

When judas takes you there, yes

Once I really believed

There was nothing out there for the lost and lonely

But a voice in my head kept banging on my heart

Says youre not the only one

this is for all those who feel out there, i know ur very few and are always constantly in pain from the heartless world out there

the silence

sometimes we feel we have so many things we want to say, and we like choke on the words when we start thinking of what others may think of them... how will they judge us? will we be understood? will we be felt for? can we reach their compassion? will the words be able to carry the feelings we want them to convey..
yet sometimes we get so fed up with our trapped feelings and let it out, and sometimes our frustrations mask our feelings and instead of giving the message of such fragile feelings words appear to be harsh and may seem to be the total opposite,
other times we are frustrated with all the words, and we choose silence, when we belive that we said enough and our feelings are larger and more fragile for words to express... yet the silence may seem soo long and we wait for a reaction that never happens.. communication fades off and we feel insecure that we are forgotten that out we are not loved the way we thought / imagined we were yet we dnt have enough strength to break the ever growing wall of silence that appears so strong and we remain tied behind it waiting .. waiting for someone to reach out and break through ... to listen.. to understand... to hold us and tell us its all gng to be alright.. to make things right...

words like violence,

break the silence,

come crashing in.. into my little world,

painful to me,

pierce right through me,

can't you understand.

oh! my little girl,

all i ever wanted .. all i ever needed,

is here in my arms,

words are very uneceesary,

they can only do harm,

vows are spoken,

to be broken,

feelings intense,

words are trivial,

pleasures remain,

so does the pain,

words are meaningless .. and forgettable

enjoy the silence ~ depache mode

I HATE YOU

i hate you when you're far away,
i hate you when you don't say the things i want you to say,
i hate you when i miss you and u have to go away,
i hate you when you don't call me all day,
i hate you when u go and i dream about u all day,
i hate you when you don't say you'll love me every single day

-update-

i know its been close to a month now and i haven' t posted anything new... well i had loads and loads of errands to run, travelled alot, and was buried in paperwork..
but at least i am not going to fayoum anymore, i am set in a decent place regrardles if i enjoy it or not, will i keep doing it cause its just the easy way? or should i follow what i like amd not think too much?? i guess it is a matter of time and things will settle in isa
other than that there is not much to write if i don't want to be monotonous and repeat my self all over again cause somethings won't change unless change them myself in me.. as the famous quote says " be the change you want to see in the world"
anyways, in the mean time i will just cross my fingers and pray for closure for all the pending stuff in my life

running in the rain

i wasn't feeling ok so i went to walk it off... the weather was clear cause it has just rained and the sun came out.... i felt that the rain might be gone from the sky outside but it still it cloudy inside of me.... i put my music on and just stared into the void and kept walking... lines off my very dear touching songs kept playing and it only kept getting darker and clouds closing in " can i burn the mazes i grow...can i , i dnt think so... where can i run to? where can i hide? who will i turn to? now i am in a virgin state of mind" k's choice said... then then she sang "and i feel guilty as i sigh.. am feeling guilty , why do i? take ur hands out of mine.. take a rope and tie these thoughts of mine down.. untill i'm fine" ......... then came in sia again this song is so close to how i feel " lost my self again today.. and i am no where to be found... be my friend.. hold me... wrap me up... unfold me... i am small.. and needy... wrap me up and breathe me".... then avril " i couldn' t tell u why she felt that way.. she felt it every day.. i couldnt help her i just watched her make the same mistakes again..... her feelings she hides her dreams she cant find.. she's loosing her mind.. she's falling behind .. she can't find her place she's loosing her faith .. she's fallen from grace she's all over the place"
i open up my eyes and its as if my feelings have overflooded over the world around me.. a huge dark cloud is over the place, and its started to drizzle..... i remember a friend of mine saying that prayers are accepted when its raining"3ind nezool el ghaith" so i start praying with my heart for all those wrongs i know i have made, for all the lost souls out there that are still among us , or have long departed.. i pray that god forgives me and all those i know ... i pray that i have the strength to stick to what's right, right the wrongs, and embrace new opprotunities that may come my way.... the rain is pouring now and i am staring to get wet..... its still a long way back home so i start to run... it rains even harder and i can barely see.... i am soaked now..i start running even faster... and it feels like i am running away from my troubles as the rain washes them off me........... i have reached home now .. i feel exhausted but some how i am relived

understanding

when i you need me

i'm there and i am understanding,

when u loose track and i take ur hand

i am there and i am understanding

when u call me anytime

i am there and i am understanding,

when loneliness closes upon me

are u there? can u be understanding?

when i need someone by my side

are u there?

i am breaking down

can u be understanding???

sometimes all i need is a word and sometimes i need more

where are u .... i can't no more be understanding...

this is the first new writing i wrote in quite sometime.... tough times i guess.. one day i hope to look back and just feel it is way beyond me now... just feel nothing of all that i am feeling now

why do i ??

i can't blame you for hurting me no more if you hurt me once its your fault, if you hurt me twice its because i let you........... why do i let you????
and the little voice in my head goes "stuipd .. stupid .. stupid ... hurt ... hurt ... hurt"

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

sia ~ Breathe me

STATUS : out of words

there's an unceasing wind .... that blows through this night

there's dust in my eyes .... it blinds my sight

there's a silence that speaks so much louder than words

of promises broken

pink floyd ~ "sorrow"

sick cycle carousel

sometimes when i re-read my blog and writings, i find that there is a certain pattern of emotions and events that just repeat themselves everytime more or less with different names, different characters, and different places... the only thing in common is me and yet i do the same mistakes, fall in the same traps, fooled by the same words, dream more or less the same dreams, at one point i realise everything yet i keep fighting to reach the same sad end... dwell on the same wounds, and it all starts over again....
is the reason why it keeps happening that i am too stupid to learn how to choose? or when to stop trying? or is it that i keep trying cause i belive that one time it might definetly work, and that comprmise is essential cause no one can have it all?
and it keeps repeating itself, on an on like a sick cycle carousel as life house say in their song

if shame had a face

I think it would kind of look like mine

if it had a home would it be my eyes

would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this

well here we go now one more time
I tried to climb your steps

I tried to chase you down

I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground

I tried to earn my way

I tried to change this mind

you better believe that I have tried to beat this
so when will this end it goes on and on

over and over and over again

keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop

till I step down from this for good
well I never thought I'd end up here never

thought I'd be standing where I am

I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this

I guess I was wrong now one more time

I tried to climb your steps

I tried to chase you down

I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground

I tried to earn my way

tried to change this mind

you better believe that I have tried to beat this
so when will this end it goes on and on

over and over and over again

keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop

till I step down from this

sick cycle carousel

remember the tin man

this is a song that used to move me everytime... i just heard it today and i havent heard it in a long time... how much do we try so hard to find something or someone and it's been there all long... how many times are we so afraid to try and feel comfort ... feel loved and just let go... just like the tin man

Remember The Tinman

There are locks on the doors
And chains stretched across all the entries to the inside
There's a gate and a fence
And bars to protect from only God knows what lurks outside
Who stole your heart left you with a space
That no one and nothing can fill
Who stole your heart who took it away
Knowing that without it you can't live
Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief who stole your heart and the key
Who stole your heart
The smile from your face
The innocence the light from your eyes
Who stole your heart or did you give it away
And if so then when and why
Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief
Who stole your heart and the key
Now all sentiment is gone
Now you have no trust in no one
Who stole your heart
Did you know but forget the method and moment in time
Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand
A strong elixir or a potion that you drank
Who hurt your heart
Bruised it in a place
That no one and nothing can heal
You've gone to wizards, princes and magic men
You've gone to witches, the good the bad the indifferent
But still all sentiment is gone
But still you have no trust in no one
If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away remove all roadblocks barricades
If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay
And don't forget that you defend an empty space
And remember the tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the tinman
Go find your hear and take it back
Who stole your heart
Maybe no one can say
One day you will find it I pray

"remember the tin man" - Tracy Chapman

over and over and over again

i just read this quote off my bros' blog and u know what it's really touching and came right in time " another bend on the road is not the end of the road unless u fail to take a turn" .... very deep.. huh?!!
there are lots of turns coming up .. i just learnt that i have to go to fayoum for my taklif .. that means gng there for the nxt 6 mnoths to a year... that's very disturbing.. i know it's not because i am the spoilt urban brat that wont go to the more primitive or rural areas.. but come on .. it's another city and all alone for no productive reason.... i can quit and not go altogether, then what the hell will i do then?? pretty confusing ... cardiology?? well it's a safe option lots of people would help and i am sort of on track.... radology?? i sure damn like it, but when ? where ? how? i have no clue....... i hate not having a plan it's like jumping off a cliff in total darkness..
there are another personal turns too, am i like the fool like the saying goes "dng the same thing and expecting the same results" am i that weak infront of my own disires or am i in denial ?? i know i am not double faced so dnt judge me on what u see .. i am human trying to be perfect, trying to hold on to what's good yet i fail and ur not helping... god knows what the consequences might be, cause there will be conseqences, there always is...
am i risking the future for the present... i am wiser than that.. yet it all vanishes , just vanishes infront of you ..

forever

am i asking for too much when i ask for forever,
i am asking no promises, we'll just try together,
if it freaks u out this way, why does ur touch feel like forever,
why do u look at me that way, when we are together.
i don't want you, if ur not mine forever,
just let me live my life alone, if we can't live it together

a quick update

my writing have became less frequeny, and i dunno if it's because i am less inspired, or if just things are happening too fast , thoughts are spinning too fast to grasp.. too many decisons to make with too many unknown factors, and this is not exactly the way i operate.. i would take my decsions even with slim odds but i wouldnt like to be surprized with how slim they are..
another thing is my best friend got married last Friday... i am sooooo happy for the couple, i have been there since day 1, i shared the flirting, the confusion, the second guessings, the breakups and the makeups, and finally the happy news... huggy and koshkosh i really wish u all the best regardless of how much koshkosh wishes we can just get off his ass....lool

last reflection here is about me, i know what i am capable of, i know i am different it may confuse alot of people, including me, i know alot of opposites may be there, but i know that the person infront of me may bring the whichever one of them out, i know i am willing to fight and start from scratch but i know i wont be used, i know i'll make u feel on top of the world but i know i need to be appreciated, i know i can do anything only if i know i wont keep doing it on my own although i am capable, i know i can compromise to the end but i know i wont be kept in the dark, i know i am weak infront of my feelings but i kow i wont leap with my mind in the way

only human ...

we have to learn never to judge people by the way they look, or the image they try to project, cause deep down there we are all filled with flaws and things we are too ashamed to admit event our own minds that we block it out and deny the fact that it ever existed so we can be able to move on, maybe we even forget to repent partly cause we dont want to recall that part of us all together and maybe becase we know that we are too weak to fight back if we were faced by those weaknesses once more... we'll break once more
maybe that girl that's not covering her hair, is as weak to that as that guy who can't quit smoking, as that couple who can't let go of each other, as that girl who does this... as that guy that does that ..... as that person that's there deep inside each and everyone of us who's just at a certian point cracks... who's just human trying the best but has to fall short somewhere..

i want you to know

this is one of my old writings... it's not about me in particular actually it was an impression i got from a guy that was talking about his girl ..

"i want you to know"

i want you to know ,

what i tried so hard to hide,

but still shows,

i want you to know,

i tried so hard to contain myself,

but my feelings just overflow,

i want you to know,

my whole life is a storm,

and you're my long lost shore,

i want u to know,

when you're beside me,

i am a king on his throne,

i want you to know,

even though u might not feel the same,

i can't let you go,

i want you yo know,

if you just give me a chance,

i'd love you more than you'll ever know

more than words

sometimes words are so meaningful to us, we hold on to them regardless of people's actions that might totally defy them, somehow they might cause much more pain than having a part of us ripped off, they can sometimes make up so happy more than having won a million bucks, yet words are fragile and can only retain that value when they are backed up ... backed up with things than are more than just words.. no matter how powerful these words may seem

"More Than Words"

Saying I love you,

Is not the words,

I want to hear from you,

It's not that I want you,

Not to say but if you only knew,

How easy, it would be to show me how you feel,

More than words,

is all you have to do, to make it real,

Then you wouldn't have to say, that you love me,

Cause I'd already know,

What would you do, if my heart was torn in two,

More than words to show you feel,

That your love for me is real,

What would you say, if I took those words away,

Then you couldn't make things new,

Just by saying I love you,

It's more than words,

It's more than what you say,

It's the things you do,oh yeah,

It's more than words,

It's more than what you say,

It's the things you do,oh yeah

,Now that I've tried to,

talk to you and make you understand,

All you have to do, is close your eyes,

And just reach out your hands, and touch me,

Hold me close don't ever let me go,

More than words, is all I ever needed you to show,

Then you wouldn't have to say, that you love me,

Cause I'd already know,

What would you do,

if my heart was torn in two,

More than words to show you feel,

That your love for me is real,

What would you say, if I took those words away,

Then you couldn't make things new,

(no no)Just by saying I love you.....

the big red day

well this is for the all-red-lovey-dovey mood that's in the air in prepration for the big red valentines day, i dnt have anything against that particular day, i guess it's a good idea and occasion to show people how much u care, specially if ur not that expressive on normal occasions... yet i belive that people close to our hearts should be remembered everyday, and celebrated as much as we can..i dnt have many memories for that day... only one far bitter sweet memory, a fragment of a distant fairy tale that i dnt know for sure if i was lucky or down right unlucky to have lived it.. but i'd like to thank whoever made that memory all the same.. maybe one day i'll know for surethis song i post on that occasion is what i belive one of the very feeling-full songs ever... it always used to bring tears in my eyes as it about so much love yet so much pain, confusion, and desperation that only those who felt it can understand it's depth

"If You're Not The One"
If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I'll never know what the future brings But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maime my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don't know why you're so far away But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

danial bedding field - "if u're not the one"

note to self

no observations today, just a reflection... or a couple of questions that are mainly directed to me!

when will this end?
is there and end?
and if there is will you be be strong enough to make ur own closure?
or would u throw away ur heart bear ur soul for yet another blow?
should u be the one who is always left behind?
what are u holding on to?
and if u can't find it, or find the way back to it, then why the hell is ur grip too tight?
ur holding on to fading memories that sting with long gone joy,
stop fooling urself, ur loosing urself on that addiction to pain ...
know ur worth that everyone realises but just a little bit too late
alone was always a friend, you can't be scared of her u've been together for so long

this is for me and all u pain addicts out there... "aboelsheed" u know ur one ;)

"the feeling"

yesterday at my shift in the hospital, a man was coming to visit his wife after she undergone a ceserian section delivery, the weird-jail-like system of this hospital is that when the lady enters the reception room no one of her family is allowed in, she undergoes an 8 or even more hours of delivery and all the news the family outside can have is through the staff coming in and out of the building, i guess they can't help it cause bring a public hospital u have no idea how many women enter there every hour.... if u have their relatives, u have that number multiplied by god knows how much.. so they can't go in before the visitation hours..
back to my point she was the last one to come out of surgery so she still had all the drain tubes coming out and the analgesics were wearing off.. they took away her catheter so she had to walk to the bathrooom and since she just had her tummy opened up it was down right painful.... and look on his face seeing his wife in so much pain was just so touching... he got so mad demanding that the doctors should give her analgesics and put the catheter back, so his wife won't be in so much pain.... that look on his face was sooooo genuine.. as if he can feel that pain himself, carrying her to the bathroom and back to the bed... u can see in his eyes that he feels her pain without knowing what she went through.. he can just feel it from the way she looks at him, and i wonder, does that really exist ?!! where did they get it from? did they know they'd have that kind of "feeling"down the road? or they just went ahead and sort of built it aong the way? did they give it much thought or they just stood up for it till they were able to accomplish it? yet i know they are too simple of people to plan it ahead all the way... maybe it was instinct that sparked it ..
it reminded me of another what i can call it "observation" i had long ago, and deep inside i hoped that one day i can have this kind of "mutual feeling" to share with someone.... one day we were on a trip by the beach with a relatively old couple and their kids, they are really very close friends of the family, the lady was not feeling very well, but didn't want to ruin the day for the rest of us, so she just sat with us with a smile on her face pretending to enjoy her meal... and for a split of a second when no one was looking it beat her and an expression of pain just flicked though her face, no one noticed... but he could feel it, her husbant didnt' miss it.... he just stood up and said " dear we have to go, ur not feeling ok" and when she tried to deny it, he said " i know..." she didn't quite argue and let her faked smile go.. and then it was clear for eveyone else how tired she was... i just couldn't let that pic off my head... this is more than love, and this is not easy, yet i know this specific couple stood up for what they had... there were no guarantess except this tiny feeling that they nurtured till they got there.. and i wonder did they young couples of today miss that in their search for a mate.. does it exist in the world as we know it today.. or is it like many morals, and feelings lost in the fast wheel of change

this is lyrics to a real favourite that i think describes this "feeling" in a really special way, it's by a band called lifehouse the song is "breathing"

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again

Though I don't really know what I am gonna do

when I get there

Take a breath and hold on tight

Spin around one more time

And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

I am hanging on every word you say

And even if you don't want to speak tonight

That's alright, alright with me

'Cause I want nothing more

than to sit Outside Heaven's door

and listen to you breathing

Is where I want to be

I am looking past the shadows Of my mind

into the truth

and I'm trying to identify

The voices in my head

God, which one's you?

Let me feel one more time

What it feels like to feel

And break these calluses off me

One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say

And even if you don't want to speak tonight

That's alright, alright with me

'Cause I want nothing more than

to sit Outside your door

and listen to you breathing

Is where I want to be

I don't want a thing from you

Bet you're tired of me waiting

For the scraps to fall Off your table to the ground

I just want to be here now

*chorus*

...TrusT...

can sometimes kindness be mistaken for something else, like in trying to fake the image of the giver, or to be the greater, nicer or the gracious one... this is a weird thought that passed through my head and was brought back the other day.. it's weird how u can try to be nice, kind, and even helpful to some ppl and they just as they call it bite u back..
u were giving out of good intention, out of love of even just out of giving , but people just dnt get it , they speculate , second judge and reject ur efforts, i don't know is it becsuse they can't imagine the existance of goodness in this life anymore or is it that one can't actually percieve that is not within him ??!! or maybe some people can't accept what they can't return back...
anyways long after these situations are gone, the dust settled and the hurt of being mistrusted , and in a way rejected, and accused settles down, somehow their vision clears and they realise that this is a rare thing, they just didn't realise it back then, and try in a way to win it back...
are there second chances in the matter of trust? or is it like the saying goes "it takes years to build up trust and seconds to destroy it" so it's totally distroyed .. would u start over again? or should there be guaratees, as the saying goes easy comes easy goes, should u make it hard on them? can u ever gurantee that u should give someone 100% trust? it's pretty doubtful to me.. what sort of gurantees and how?
can one really forget the hurt caused by someone and pickup where they started??
i'd like to end up with the lyrics of the song that i was actually going to be my post for the day.. till i got this thought popping in

"In The End"
(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I knowtime is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away

It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn't even know

Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside
and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time
when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing / I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme

To remind myself howI tried so hardI

n spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I'm surprised it got so (far)

Things aren't the way they were before

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me

In the end

You kept everything inside and even though I tried

it all fell apart

What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time

when I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I've put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this

There's only one thing you should know

I've put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this

There's only one thing you should know

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

linkin park - in the end

thought of the day

well it's still raining and dark today.. and i must go to collage tom... i wonder how many ways will they try to make my life harder for skipping those 4 days... we'll wait and see, if only i can wake up early enough to make it, i got so used to the lazy timing.
back to what i want to talk about .. there are 2 thoughts that were on my mind since yesterday, do we prefer feeling pain than feeling nothing? as for instance, would u dwell on something that u know is hopeless rather than cleaning off ur mind and soul for something new, can u face the void??? or is it that u dnt know what u've lost till it's gone.. so ur only missing what's valuable after u loose it?? and will u learn to appreciate a little earlier next time? are u willing to step forward stand up or is the pain easier to handle??
the other thought is.. well i dnt know how to explain it much.. u know when someone is there and ur talking and u feel they're just not there.. and if they say anything it doesn't make sense, like they are not listening...
well i said i'll post those words and i always stick to my word... also for those who can get it, it explains my point perfectly

hearing is not listening,

knowing is not believing,

asking is not caring,

presence is not being there,

feeling is not loving,

wanting is not longing,

words can be really tricky.. only a few can undertsnd, even fewer can see through and be touched by them

my own wise quote

the weather is really gloomy these days, i dnt remember the sun coming up since thursday morning, and it's driving me crazy, it took me 2 hours to get out of bed this morning,i havent been to collage for like 3 days now, and seriously thinking i'd skip tom too, it's like i dnt want to wake up unless the sun is there, i hate that cold, cloudy, rainy and dark weather.... it depresses me..
i was thinking i'd post a couple of quotes i liked trying to fight back this mood, when i came across this online quiz that picks the wise quote that suits u .. and guess what?!!! it's saying i am depressed too... loool
here are my results:

Your wise quote is: "Reality bites with a variety of sizes of teeth"(-Tony Follari)
As a person, you think life is just plain painful, horrible and everything else you don't like. Happy people confuse you. Alot. I mean, why are they so happy anyway? You are depressed and perhaps utterly alone and live life rather montone. You feel there is no reason to really be here and feel helpless
.48192 other people got this result!
This quiz has been taken 69 times.
20% of people had this result.

it u wan to check out ur wise quote this is the link http://www.quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/What%20wise%20quote%20fits%20you? [pics]/

the one

u’ll be the one,
when u can wait for me,
against the wind ,
like a stone,
U'll be the one,
when u’ll hold on to me,
and together we’ll face,
the coming storms,
u’ll be the one,
when i can feel ur touch on my soul,
warm like the sun,
u’ll be the one,
when u hold me so tight,
I can feel ur heart,
beating with my own,
u’ll be the one,
when I can sleep in ur arms,
knowing u’ll never be gone,
u’ll be the one,
when there is no together,
when we are both one

u can't control how i feel

people react differently to the same gestures, situation or experience... for example not all people find flowers romatic, some might find it the most romantic gift ever, might meen more than dimonds to one girl and to another it might be too lame and might even consider the guy cheap for not getting her a valuable gift.. u might consider the latter shallow but belive me sometimes under all the smiles this is how some people really feel..
we can't expect how people will react, not all the time at least, we may know people well enough to think so but u know we're not always right, we can't expect them to react the way we would or the way we hope them to... we dnt have that right, and if they react differenlty we can't judge that.... u can't control it, we can only control our side of actions... let me clarify here
we can't hurt people and make belive we're only sparing them more hurt down the line,
we can't be mean to people or just back off their lives in some way or the other and think that we're helping them forget ..
we can't expect people to value the same things we do, belive in the same things we do , or apreciate them
we can only choose to stay or leave... we can choose to help or walk away... and that's our choice and we have to deal with the results...
sometimes we can't even predict how we'll handle certian situations ourselves, we discover that we are moved , attached, weaker or even stronger than what we pictured ourselves or fooled everyone around to be..
we may find out that we love, hate, need or even can't live without certain things.. and are puzzled of that .. cause this wasn't in our plan
it's alright to mess up sometimes, break apart sometimes and feel utterly stupid some other times....
we're human .. we have needs .. yet we have sometimes to belive in who we are, belive in what we want and what we are... yet we have to give space for other people to do that same

we'll its a bit incoherent post... but i know if u can get something out of it , it will do you good.

now please!!

i just had a car accident a couple of hours ago, my car is more damaged than i am .. the funny thing is i was just thinking the other day that the only thing left to go wrong is having my car breaking down, it's my little place in the universe where i can just let go. i can go somewhere to be alone, cry, sing, just hide and no one would intrude... it's a piece of who i am, i dnt care if i sounds lame.. i love my car
it's amazing how a close encouter with i wouldn't like to call it death cause it's too major for that accident, yet it makes u wonder how ur so fragile and no matter what ur dng, how safe u feel, it can all end like that.......... in a second ur gone, amazing how we know that fact for real, yet we choose to ignore it, i know personally i did, many times ur dng something u know u shouldn't be dng and wonder , what if i die now?..
although, other times u go like i wish i can die now......
sorry for the dull thoughts.... its just how i feel this moment.... now please!!!

The Lift

this is a piece i wrote quite a while ago, i must admit that most of my posted writing are pretty old, i just refine them a bit and publish them.. yet, this one really suits the time of important decsions i am getting in to these days.. life changing decsions are always scary no matter how confident u are, yet at one point u have to stop calculating.. time never stops.. take the best odds u've got and make ur best shot at it... nothing in life is won without some loss .... pick the least and jump......

"the lift"

i'm standing on this step,

to get on the lift,

it's there waiting for me,

with it's doors wide open,

and i'm standing there frozen,

afraid of where it may take me,

of it's doors closing in on me,

i know how far up it can take me,

yet scared, it won't stop where i want to be,

so i am paralized on this step.

afraid to fall in to the gap,

between my ground,

and the lift.

is forgetting a blessing?

it's what i consider an eternal question ..
sometimes we forget things that hurt us.. which can help is let go, help us move on and forget the pain whoever or whatever caused us............. but does that prevent us from doing the same mistakes again? does it help us see what went wrong.. or do we forget the lessons along with the pain they caused..
sometimes we forget details and memories as we loose our loved ones, sometimes this kind of forgetting can be painful, we feel that we have kind of betrayed them ... we try to hold on to the mental images and happy moments in our heads as they fade away with time and there's nothing we can do about it, the more we try to remember the more we realise we forgot...
on the other hand there are certain memories that stir that deep pain inside of us and we never seem to let it go, it's like we're dilerberatly hurting ourselves longer and even deeper and enjoying torturing our souls that way........ fooling ourselves into thinking we're going to forget by time.......

where did that name come from ??

i realised that this blog is approching a month of age now, and i didn't explain where the name came from... well, i just realised i may be too much of a lyrics' freak, cause there are just too many lyrics posted here... including the title.. but u know what? songs are just poatry sung.. it's more familiar than just plain poatry in a book.
well back to my topic for the day... the title came from a duran duran song, it's called ordinary world, there are a couple of lines in it that totally explain how i feel when i have what i call it unelastic collision with reality .. ( u have to look it up if u dnt know it... it's a physics term) and this blog is an outlet to the results of too many collsions.
i won't give u the whole song .. just the parts that click with me and made me choose it for a title.

What has happened to it all?

Crazy, some are saying

Where is the life that I recognize?

Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday

There's an ordinary world

Somehow I have to find

And as I try to make my way

To the ordinary world

I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence

Once prompted you to say

"Pride will tear us both apart"

Well now pride's gone out the window

Cross the rooftops

Run away

Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?

Crazy, some'd say

Where is my friend when I need you most?

Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday

There's an ordinary world

Somehow I have to find

And as I try to make my way

To the ordinary world

I will learn to survive

one

no thoughts or special writings today... my mind is a total mess.. so i'll leave u with the song of today.. it's orgionally by U2 , but u know the REM cover is much better.. it's a must - listen

"One"

Is it getting better

Or do you feel the same

Will it make it easier on you now

You got someone to blame

You say...One love

One life

When it's one need

In the night

One love

We get to share it

Leaves you baby

if you Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you

Or leave a bad taste in your mouth

You act like you never had love

And you want me to go without

Well it's...Too late

Tonight

To drag the past out into the light

We're one,

but we're not the same

We get to Carry each other

Carry each other

One...

Have you come here for forgiveness

Have you come to raise the dead

Have you come here to play Jesus

To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much

More than a lot

You gave me nothing

Now it's all I got

We're one

But we're not the same

Well we Hurt each other

Then we do it again

You say

Love is a temple

Love a higher law

Love is a temple

Love the higher law

You asked me to enter

But then you make me crawl

And I can't be holding on

To what you got

When all you got is hurt

One love

One blood

One life

You got to do what you should

One life

With each other

Sisters

Brothers

One lifeBut we're not the same

We get to Carry each other

Carry each other

One...life

One

"confusing what is real"

i was talking to friend of mine yesterday and the comment i was given just rang in my head all day " don't be wreckless with your own heart.. or other people's hearts".
maybe i hang on to the things i love too hard.. i kind of focus on how much things/people may mean to me more than how much i am actually worth.. might sound degrading.. but u know what? it only is if people don't appreciate it.. i think it's hard to give when ur constantly thinking what ur gng to get back.. it just looses the whole meanig of giving.. yet as the quote says " the wise knows when to try harder, and when to let go" maybe i am just plain stupid ...lol

sometimes one's emotions can be the most confusing thing.. u know what u want, u know that the person might not have it.. yet u keep trying harder and harder.. to fit that person into that picture, u are blinded by ur own attraction..wreckless of ur own heart and feelings
on the other hand someone might be willing to offer all what ur looking for and more .. yet u can't even consider taking it........ ur kind of blinded from the same things that u've been actually been searching for.. and that's being wreckless with others..

careful what u wish for

this is a personal experience.......... hope kills slowly
i wished i could find u.. when i did u walked away
i wished to help u.. you just pushed me away
i wished we can hang on for us.. u kept tearing it apart
i wished u could know how much i care...u kept breakng bit by bit off what's left of my heart
i wished i could talk to u.. words just slipped away
i wished i could only see u .. when i did, it hurt too much i had to walk away
i wished to move on.. i'm trying but it feels too numb

it's not ment to be a poam... it's not ment to be a hidden message.. cause some feelings can't be induced if they are not there... as a friend of mine said " don't expect much from people who don't give much"

insomnia

2 days of spending the night at the hospital.. and another 2 days to go... i feel so wasted, it's not that i hate working, maybe if i felt that all that effort was of any help or use.. i would have been more accepting to that vampire life i am experiencing... lol, add to that more helpful co-workers.
i totally get the line edwart norton said at the begining of fight club... "when u haven't slept, everything feels like an out of body experience".. i am not a movie freak it's just i got my hands on the book and i'm half way through it..

i am not gng to share a piece of my mind today, and to make up for the missed blog from yesterday i'll leave u with one of my oldest favourites ever, i was listening to an old tape in my car last night and when it played i was like "yaaaaa long time no hear" it's by a band named fuel the song is " heamorrage" some anti-medical term people call it "in my hands"

Memories are just where you laid down

Dragging the waters til the depths give up their dead

What did you expect to find?

Was it something you left behind?

Don't you remember anything I said when I said,

[Chorus:]Don't fall away and leave me to myself

Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands,

in my hands again

And leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands

Love lies bleeding

Oh hold me now I feel contagious

Am I the only place that you've left to go?

She cries her life is like Some movie in black and white

Dead actors faking lines,

over and over and over again she cries

[Chorus]

And I watched as you turned away

You don't remember, but I do

You never even tried

Don't fall away and leave me to myself

Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands,in my hands again

Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again

Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again, oh

u live.. u learn

it's amazing how life keeps teaching u that lesson that u are not in control, no matter how much u plan or things seem to work out... there are no guarentees
i guess most of the disappointments goes back to the way we were raised.. or should i talk on a more personal level.. i was raised.. i some how belived ( in a way still do ) that when u treat people nicely, the least thing u deserve is to be treated well back, when u give ur best u will be rewarded, when u trust u should be at least gives credit, when u love people would love u back or just walk away.. be kind as much as u can, kindness touches the heart, maybe it did one time long ago not anymore ..
yet, u don't always get what u deserve ( if ever), people don't appreciate trust anymore, they don't belive u can be truly giving or happy for another.. as the anonymous quote says " u can't make someone love u all u can do is be someone who can be loved" ... we might regret trustung or loving people.. but was all that because they were worth it? or is it just the way we are?
do we really love that person, or the way they make us feel, or the image that we had for our life with them, or are we just content with finding a preson to fill that void in our lives....... and when things don't work out .. are we grieving for the person or all our lost fantasies...
and when we feel all that loss.. are the spaces we left in theirs missed too??
i guess one never knows............

the other side

when you hit that ice wall inside of me,

a part of me crushes against it,

on the other side,

when you feel i'm pushing you away from me,

a part of me is screaming out for you,

on the otherside,

when you feel like there's a vague part if me,

another part is loving you,

on the other side,

when you feel like walking away on me,

try crossing,

to the other side....

let me be me

most if the time when we turn for advice, all we really need is someone to listen... and people don't get that all the time, u just open up the subject and all the theories and opinions flood in.. and u start thinking deep in the back of your head:
-u know what maybe i don't want the best thing there is, maybe i am satisfied with the 2nd , 3rd or even 4th best thing cause it's what makes me happy....
-i can be more forgiving than you are...
-this hurts more than u think ...
-u don't have the right to judge me ....
-this means a hell of alot more to me than that..
- i am not perfect ..
-i have the right to be weak sometimes, stupid someother times.. why don't u get it??.........

some people expect a certain degree of perfection from us, which can be flattering yet quite a burden sometimes......... cause at the end of the day, we are human, each one is moulded in a different way and no one has the right to judge that..... we have to accept our shortcomings and give ourselves a break to be mistaken, break down sometimes , and make those weird choices that might make us happy while no one else understands why...

the voice

there are times in our life's when we look around for advice... but did u ever wonder if u really need that "other opinion".... personally i belive that most of the times that tiny voice in the back of our head tells us the right thing to do... but we just ignore it, refuse to listen or sometimes just silence it somehow... somehow that "voice" is always right and if we refuse to listen the first time it just walks away on us... and down the road we wonder .. " i kind of knew that would happen all along.. if only i listened " some might call it instinct some might call it intuition, hunch, gut feeling , whatever u may call it, it's almost always right.. it's like the first shot u take at a mcq exam (Multiple Choice Questions for those who don't know it by now) , if u revise and change ur answer, 90% chance is that u've changed it wrong and ur first answer was the right one.. it's the voice.. it was right again...

it's just one of my weird thoughts i have during my shifts......... i'm sure many of u out there have the same trouble with your own little voices ...

The Coming of the Ship

well i am still not feeling very well today... alot of thought's are running through my head, i looked upon one of my old readings to find quotes off khalil gobran's book " the prophet", thought i'll leave u with a bit off it that really touched me.. i don't think anything i can ever come up with can measure up to that... it's off the first chapter the "the coming of the ship" that has come to take the prophet away from the city, and feels torn between how much he dreamt of this day when the ship came and he sailed off with it, and leaving that city that had became his home all those years...

Then the gates of his heart were flung open, and his joy flew far over the sea. And he closed his eyes and prayed in the silences of his soul.
But as he descended the hill, a sadness came upon him, and he thought in his heart:
How shall I go in peace and without sorrow? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this city.
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?
Too many fragments of the spirit have I scatterd in these streets, and too many are the children of my longing that walk naked among these hills, and I cannot withdraw from them without a burden and an ache.
It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands.
Nor is it a thought I leave behind me, but a heart made sweet with hunger and with thirst.
Yet I cannot tarry longer.
The sea that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark.

"coming back to life"

i am in no mood for writing today.. the flu got the best of me and i am too sick to be creative right now, so i'll leave with the lyrics of the song i have been listening to over and over since yesterday, amazing lyrics and the live version is just perfect music... it's the brilliant pink floyd the track is "coming back to life"

"Coming Back To Life"

Where were you when I was burned and broken

While the days slipped by from my window watching

Where were you when I was hurt and helpless

Because the things you say and the things you do surround me

While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words

Dying to believe in what you heard I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time

While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted

Outside the rain fell dark and slow

While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the moment had arrived

For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the waiting had begun

And headed straight..into the shining sun

dilemma

sometimes u stand beside urself and think.. wow, i sound so smart why can't i do that myself. we're always smarter in solving the problems that aren't ours, in seeing stuff that we're not involoved in...
all our feelings and emotions get in the way and we dnt think straight or lets call it logical, until we put them aside... yet we can't, and we don't, and u know what we shouldn't sometimes.. the logical solutions might be safer, but they dn't have the joy u find if ur feelings are fullfilled too.
it's the everlasting dilemma of the heart vs the mind as some people may call it.... knowing the right/ logical/ less painful thing to do and yet just being unable to do it.....

i hope it makes sense cause i haven't slept much and i am not making sense to me from the first place...lol

"and i hope u,ve gone to a better place"

today is a very speical day, it's my late mother's birthday.. don't start thinking all sypathatic, or sarcastic-yeah-poor-girl kind of thinking i am just sharing some thoughts that this day stirrs in me.. same thoughts that might be stirred in everyone of us when we think how someone's presence specially if that close my have affected who we are..
i wonder what if she was here today, would i have been the same person, i think maybe i wouldn't have been that tough, i must have got that from my father alright, maybe i wouldn't have been independed that much, i would have been more conservative... would we have been friends, or would we always fighting over the way she wants to control my life.
i wonder if she saw who i am today, would she be surprised or shocked? does she feel proud when she hears about me in the heavens? does she know that i am not as perfect as everyone may think i am.... doesn she understand that i am human and i have my own imperfections and trying to patch up the pieces as much as i can..
on the other hand ... me .. i miss her shoulder to cry on, her hand stroking my hair to sleep, i miss having someone to listen who's really intrested to hear me out and would help me feel better as much as she can, i miss her holding me in her arms, someone i am dead sure would be there no matter what .......... i miss everything she is.
and i hope and belive that she's in a better place.....
i pray all ower loved ones that we miss so dearly are...

another side of me

i guess now i am ready to let go,
i don't know if it's that i'm stronger,
or i'm just weaker,
stronger that i don't need you anymore,
or too weak to hold on,

what i know is that,
i'm too tired of thinking,
of hoping you still love me,
or need me there,

so i just let go,
not knowing if,
it's a stronger or weaker side of me.

-PAUSE-

there comes a certain instant in your life when u wish u could just find the "pause" button... when u feel u want it all to just stop, when u feel all u want at this instant is to just drop dead, that the earth could just swallow u... that u can just break down .....
but the weird thing is u don't ... time ever stops for your grief, and no matter how dark it gets, how hard it is to breathe, or how much the mere beating of your heart seems to consume all the energy there is in your body............ life goes on.
and at one point many weeks, months, or even years after that moment you look back and see all the huge mountains of sorrow just seems so small, things are not as fatal as they may seem and you may feel even stupid, but there are a few lessons in life we just can't learn except the hard way, no matter how many people try to lend us a hand....... fullfill all the maybe's and what if's so u can break free and move on feeling you've done all u can, and now u can move in the only way to go.... forwards

HE...

he doesn't know when he's far away,
what is the price i have to pay,
he doesn't know today i saw him and walked away,
afriad of what he might or might not say,
he doesnt know how i feel,
he's not here to see my tears,
he doesn't let me into his mind,
he's not the same kind
of man, i am chained to
the memories he left behind.

just a short reflection

well i make this one a short reflection, cause i am tired, it's late and i need to just crash.

this thought gets me all the time sometimes, and last night when i was crammed in my car at 3 am in the morning, the temprature is close to 4 degrees the least, i realised there are so many tiny things in life we take for granted.... how much we should be thankful for the tiniest things in life........ my warm bed, my home, a warm shower and a decent meal that regardless of how cold, desperate and alone i was at this moment, i am lucky to have these things to go home to... and it's not cause i worked hard to achieve any of it... i was just born where i am el 7amdulle allah.

i was thankful that i am not in pain as many of the people who are staying at the hospital that night, i was thankful that i am on that end of the world, the giving hand, as tiny as it may give right now... but at least it's trying.. i am thankful that i am sound and that my close ones are too.. that i am not worried about someone i care for that way those people freezing in the cold waiting for their loved ones are..........

i am thankful that i have this insight .. that this life with all it's hopes and heartbreaks is just transient... and no matter how bad i might feel sometimes, if i have done my best there is no use making my self feel even worse about my losses.... i have so much yet... and i should try my best not to loose focus of the things i have...

might sound too idealistic, i must confess it's hard and i haven't got the hang of it much... but i am trying .... and hopefully one day i'll have enough insight to look only forwards, beyond that life..

so tired

i'm so tired of moving on,
so tired of being strong,
so tired if looking for you,
that someone i can call my home,

i'm so tired of making it on my own,
i wish i can just lay my head on your shoulder,
but i can never find you there,
you're always gone.

i'm so tired of this fake smile i wear,
this stone walls that grew so strong,
so tired of this cold void,
of you leaving the minute you strip my soul.

i'm so tired of these tears,
they don't mean anything for anyone anymore,
no matter how many pieces i break,
somehow it manages to ache even more.


>>> this just came off the top of my head just now... so please excuse that it's not pretty much balanced

sometimes

this is something an old friend of mine wrote along time ago after a conversation i had with her.. it is supposed to discribe how i feel ... i thought it was worth publishing, also it still rings in my head everynow and then...

ihope u dont find it all so lame...

>>>sometimes<<<
sometimes it feels so weird,
sometimes it's like an open field,
sometimes i really don't know,
where am i supposed to go,
sometimes i feel like celebrating,
and in a minute my happiness is fading,
somtimes i feel the sun going round the moon,
sometimes i see rain falling in june,
sometimes crying is not enough,
sometimes life goes really tough,
somtimes....sometimes...sometimes
it's so hard to deal in lies

concepts of forever

did u ever think what that word means to u.... "forever" ... and how much it's the first one to wear off...
when u were young u think ur parents are going to be there forever... and many things can change that... they might get seperated, forever is only left to the one ur staying with.... or one might die... then forever is definetly lost there, and u start dreaming of another forever with them in another life... i won't argue belif there but that's the case...

growing up , u think that close friends are going to be there forever, and u know what.. people grow.. and specially at early ages you grow apart more that together cause there are many aspects of your personality growing at the same time it's just hard to coordinate .. but it hurts u move on u meet other people and u grow, and more forevers crash down over you .. u change some more and life goes on.

a different aspect of forever is u think that older people are going be the smartest and the wisest forever, u have an ultimate trust in them.......... yet you grow, u change and u are exposed to situations and experiences they just havent been exposed to, u turn to them and u might find that their views just dont suit ur situation, and the inner conflict begins, the perfect image of the wise-always-right gets a bit blurry, and the lucky realise that they're just humans like everyone else, they are limited with the scope of their own lifes which might add or restrict yours if u let it... i am not underestimating older people, whether parents, family or whoever... personaly i do turn to them almost all the time... but there is this thin line of "my decision, my choices", and somethings no one can decide for you... you control ur own life, even if u think that at one point u were led on by, or forced by other persons or circustances.. well, wake up... u let that happen from the first place

there comes another troubling aspect of forever, when you are all grown, overgrown the concept of the family that raised u, a certain void develops inside and u reach out there to fill it... and finally u choose partner to fill it....... and dreams of forever begins....
this one can be a bit tricky, cause people differ in the ways they respond to their emotions... some lucky people can control them.... other less fortunate people are blinded by them ... they can be also lucky if they fall it the right hands ... but u know what the wrong hands out number them........ back to my point, suddenly a space open up in your life and that person fills it, u plan this year the next year, u name you children, the honey moon spots and all the fantasies and then BANG..... forever just runs out for one reason or the other, there's not enough space to name them all ........ forever may even run out and ur left to face the void alone.. or it may even run out while ur together but it's just not the same forever u had in your head..

i guess the only constant thing in life is change, so we have to accept it, cause u know what it's the only thing that keeps happening, the only forever that exists is the one that still didn't even start..

i hope it's not too gloomy for all of u.. i just hopes it adds some insight to anyone out there ... :)

hello cyber space

after a long time of thinking about it.. i finally got the guts to start my own blog... i don't really have a plan or a theme to it.. all i know is it will just be a reflection to some thoughts i might have, experience, or just observe..
i guess i'll leave it there now till i post something that really makes sense :)