sick cycle carousel

sometimes when i re-read my blog and writings, i find that there is a certain pattern of emotions and events that just repeat themselves everytime more or less with different names, different characters, and different places... the only thing in common is me and yet i do the same mistakes, fall in the same traps, fooled by the same words, dream more or less the same dreams, at one point i realise everything yet i keep fighting to reach the same sad end... dwell on the same wounds, and it all starts over again....
is the reason why it keeps happening that i am too stupid to learn how to choose? or when to stop trying? or is it that i keep trying cause i belive that one time it might definetly work, and that comprmise is essential cause no one can have it all?
and it keeps repeating itself, on an on like a sick cycle carousel as life house say in their song

if shame had a face

I think it would kind of look like mine

if it had a home would it be my eyes

would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this

well here we go now one more time
I tried to climb your steps

I tried to chase you down

I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground

I tried to earn my way

I tried to change this mind

you better believe that I have tried to beat this
so when will this end it goes on and on

over and over and over again

keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop

till I step down from this for good
well I never thought I'd end up here never

thought I'd be standing where I am

I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this

I guess I was wrong now one more time

I tried to climb your steps

I tried to chase you down

I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground

I tried to earn my way

tried to change this mind

you better believe that I have tried to beat this
so when will this end it goes on and on

over and over and over again

keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop

till I step down from this

sick cycle carousel

remember the tin man

this is a song that used to move me everytime... i just heard it today and i havent heard it in a long time... how much do we try so hard to find something or someone and it's been there all long... how many times are we so afraid to try and feel comfort ... feel loved and just let go... just like the tin man

Remember The Tinman

There are locks on the doors
And chains stretched across all the entries to the inside
There's a gate and a fence
And bars to protect from only God knows what lurks outside
Who stole your heart left you with a space
That no one and nothing can fill
Who stole your heart who took it away
Knowing that without it you can't live
Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief who stole your heart and the key
Who stole your heart
The smile from your face
The innocence the light from your eyes
Who stole your heart or did you give it away
And if so then when and why
Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief
Who stole your heart and the key
Now all sentiment is gone
Now you have no trust in no one
Who stole your heart
Did you know but forget the method and moment in time
Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand
A strong elixir or a potion that you drank
Who hurt your heart
Bruised it in a place
That no one and nothing can heal
You've gone to wizards, princes and magic men
You've gone to witches, the good the bad the indifferent
But still all sentiment is gone
But still you have no trust in no one
If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away remove all roadblocks barricades
If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay
And don't forget that you defend an empty space
And remember the tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the tinman
Go find your hear and take it back
Who stole your heart
Maybe no one can say
One day you will find it I pray

"remember the tin man" - Tracy Chapman

over and over and over again

i just read this quote off my bros' blog and u know what it's really touching and came right in time " another bend on the road is not the end of the road unless u fail to take a turn" .... very deep.. huh?!!
there are lots of turns coming up .. i just learnt that i have to go to fayoum for my taklif .. that means gng there for the nxt 6 mnoths to a year... that's very disturbing.. i know it's not because i am the spoilt urban brat that wont go to the more primitive or rural areas.. but come on .. it's another city and all alone for no productive reason.... i can quit and not go altogether, then what the hell will i do then?? pretty confusing ... cardiology?? well it's a safe option lots of people would help and i am sort of on track.... radology?? i sure damn like it, but when ? where ? how? i have no clue....... i hate not having a plan it's like jumping off a cliff in total darkness..
there are another personal turns too, am i like the fool like the saying goes "dng the same thing and expecting the same results" am i that weak infront of my own disires or am i in denial ?? i know i am not double faced so dnt judge me on what u see .. i am human trying to be perfect, trying to hold on to what's good yet i fail and ur not helping... god knows what the consequences might be, cause there will be conseqences, there always is...
am i risking the future for the present... i am wiser than that.. yet it all vanishes , just vanishes infront of you ..

forever

am i asking for too much when i ask for forever,
i am asking no promises, we'll just try together,
if it freaks u out this way, why does ur touch feel like forever,
why do u look at me that way, when we are together.
i don't want you, if ur not mine forever,
just let me live my life alone, if we can't live it together

a quick update

my writing have became less frequeny, and i dunno if it's because i am less inspired, or if just things are happening too fast , thoughts are spinning too fast to grasp.. too many decisons to make with too many unknown factors, and this is not exactly the way i operate.. i would take my decsions even with slim odds but i wouldnt like to be surprized with how slim they are..
another thing is my best friend got married last Friday... i am sooooo happy for the couple, i have been there since day 1, i shared the flirting, the confusion, the second guessings, the breakups and the makeups, and finally the happy news... huggy and koshkosh i really wish u all the best regardless of how much koshkosh wishes we can just get off his ass....lool

last reflection here is about me, i know what i am capable of, i know i am different it may confuse alot of people, including me, i know alot of opposites may be there, but i know that the person infront of me may bring the whichever one of them out, i know i am willing to fight and start from scratch but i know i wont be used, i know i'll make u feel on top of the world but i know i need to be appreciated, i know i can do anything only if i know i wont keep doing it on my own although i am capable, i know i can compromise to the end but i know i wont be kept in the dark, i know i am weak infront of my feelings but i kow i wont leap with my mind in the way