alone

its been only hours, but i am not ashamed to admit that i miss u like hell.. here is to the start of a really empty month or two

"My Lover's Gone"

My lover's gone
his boots no longer by my door
he left at dawn
and as I slept I felt him go
Returns no more
I will not watch the ocean
My lover's gone
no earthly ships will ever bring him home again
bring him home again

My lover's gone
I know that kiss will be my last
no more his song
the tune upon his lips has passed

I sing alone
while I watch the ocean
My lover's gone
no earthly ships will ever bring him home again
bring him home again

[dido - my lover's gone]

el7amdulellah

well i haven't been writing lately
i guess its mainly because i dnt write except when i am in a bad mood, and lately el7amdulellah life was pretty good and even more hectic ... its amazing all the details there is to start a new life :S
i am happy i can not deny that, i am scared and it masks my happiness most of the time, i am still tied to the old me in the back of my mind maybe just for safety the same way as a kid i used to hang on to my single shoulder floater while i am dead sure i outgrew it years ago and it won' t save me anymore from drowning, but it just made me feel safe.
i am grateful to god for all his blessings that even what seems bad happens and always happened for a good reason, i just pray for the insight to realize it.
i don't think i have much more to add i just wanted to put down a line or two.

feelings update

how i feel ??
its a huge mix of emotions that puzzel me before anyone else,
i am scared of this life i am starting
i am happy for this life i am starting
i am excited... apprehensive
and in love
and most of the time not even regestering it all!! did i grow up that fast?

10 feet off the ground... and falling

how can you put me there and watch telling me how sorry you are?
how dare u make me live this dream and watch me run like crazy to catch it... and ask me to just pause everything and you'll be back..
i don't want to understand... i know you do... yet you just leave me in the dark one more time and ask ne to trust you
i hate the dark... i am sick of it and i am sick of chasing this dream hoping that you are dreaming it too.... i would fight all the odds to reach it and u can too... actually u care and u did but somehow u can put it on hold and that is just uncomprehendable to me... specially right now
i should be supportive... i should have some foresight
yet being a human, being a woman in love, having waited that long beats me.....
i feel like .... i dunno
but this is as close as it gets

"Apologize"~one republic ft. timbaland

[Verse 1]I'm holdin' on your rope,

Got me ten feet off the ground.

And I'm hearin' what you say,

But I just can't make a sound.

You tell me that you need me,

Then you go and cut me down...But wait...

You tell me that you're sorry,

Didn't think I'd turn around...And say...

[Chorus]That it's too late to apologize.

It's too late...I said it's too late to apologize.

It's too late.Yeah!

[Verse 2]I'd take another chance,

Take a fall, take a shot for you.

I need you like a heart needs a beat,

But it's nothin' new.

I loved you with a fire red,

Now it's turnin' blue...And you say...

Sorry, like an angel

Heaven let me think was you...But I'm afraid...

I'm holdin' on your rope,got me ten feet off the ground.

"am i part of the cure.. or am i part of the disease?!!"

i guess PMS is hitting hard these days... i feel like crap..
i don't know if i do have the right to feel so or not and it is driving me mad...
i have been anticipating disaster for 2 days when i finally got my car crashed yesterday, and the weird thing is it felt like a relif... like i was waiting for it to happen ... and in a way i was... i was day dreaming about crashing each time i passed an intersection for the past few days...crazy ..huh!!
and there are those things that are bothering me and i really can't figure out if it's just a phase that will soon be behind me or is this a warning sign of what life is gng to be if i choose this to be my path..
i worry too much i know... but right now i feel so alone... its like suddenly everyone is so busy, too busy to be there for me and i am sick of trying to be considerate.... i am pissed, i should not be on my own not now.. i need help, i can't ask u for it people anymore isn't in obvious... no i can't be more talkative about it i need to to reach out, i need u to notice and try to be there.
i feeel low, bad. alone, lost. confused, grateful, scared, alone again, and angry
i don't knwo if all of this makes sense.. .really i dnt care if it does i just need to let it out

happiness... the question?!!

sometimes i wonder if i am afraid to be happy, i dnt know if scared or afraid is an appropriate description, maybe forgot how is more like it... or even the fact that i got used to this numb feeling
what is happiness?
is it the clear consience, facing urseld and facing god? that is tough ... we are ment to do wrong and to sin, its a pilosophical thought that i have, if being good was so easy we wouldn;t have been rewarded for sticking to what;s right? and then there would have been no redemption
is happiness being loved and cared for?
some people feel smothered by too much love, and how many of us were loved by what we call the wrong people we just cant love them back... is it to love and be loved.... well lets face it in our great counrty it is not just the both of u u have to love him and he loves u and his mother loves u too and your dad is ok about it and the list goes on
is happiness in reaching your goals?
what is your goal i know a whole generation who can not answer this question and their goals are only motivated my financial and materialistic reasons and that is obvsious in the hard times we are living today..
i have been trying to define happiness for 2 days know to explain the reason for my bad mood which is totally unexplainable cause even if i cant define happiness, i sure know sorrow very well and el7amdulellah it did not visit me in sometime

3ala feen ya masr... 7nesh7aat wala eih?!!

where are we heading?!!! this is all i can think of since the gas prices went up... i am not a 50 yr old so i can go "3ala ayaamna kan el genee beygeeb we ygeeb" but in the short time that i can call my life i am seeing it... in less than 10 yrs i am paying double for gas, i am paying 30 pounds for a Mc Donalds combo, and that is fast food and not a decent meal..
i wonder, it is not going to stop just here... am i gng to have kids and one day not be able to take them out cause i dnt have money for gas.. or not able to order a take out for them or even worse feed them at all, and i am not going to talk about schools or education .... !!!
it doesn't look very bright from where i stand right now... it's getting too much to handle... so many things i want to do and so little i can afford and this little is even shrinking... i am not complaining .. you know what i AM complaining... i am working hard... i am working harder than most people i know... how hard is it to make ends meet.. and i am alone, what would be the situation if i am responsible for someone else.. this is making me loose focus, i feel so materialistic but what can i do... !!
this is not the picture i had in mind this is not an ordinary world.. and this is fallin from being even a normal one !!!

just hold me

this was inspired bu a song i heard today...

you can't change the way i feel
but dnt just walk walk away
you can hold me

you can't undo all those things,

that scarred so deep, so long ago,

but hold on.. just hold me,

you can't promise to be there tomorrow,

the future is not ours,

but you can for now hold me

i dnt need to fight,

i dnt need to prove anything,

i dnt need anything,

if ur there... just hold me

random thought

was just hearing this song that i haven't heard in ages, and u know sometimes a line, just a single line resonates in your head and u feel (or maybe just me) that this can be the title for your day, if u ever had it written down ............ here is goes " am i part of the cure.. or am i part of the disease" ~ coldplay - clocks

from the bottom of humanity

she sits there in the darkness of her own self wondering... "what the hell have u done??"
she has always been so hard on herself, she learnt that its the only person she can actually blame for good reason, and the only one that would listen and change without disappointing her .. yet, this moment she feels so disapointed..
" you are such as hypocrite!!" she screams without saying a word... but this is how frustrated she is, it seems that everyone is looking at her with those perfect eyes and no one can see through, no one can see through the hell she is living trying to maintain this image as the gap widens between what she was and what she really is right now... at the bottom of humanity...
" i know it's hard... but come on, you've seen worse, you've been through worse and you passed every single test..." she rememebrs all those situations she's been through and how many people tried to pull her down... yet she someway, somehow was pulled through it by some magical force, where is that now??
maybe it's because of that one single dream, the only dream she had about her mum since she left... she smiled and looked at her as she drove away saying " don't worry child, i'll always be there for you" she always believed she was watching , so she never wanted to let her down..but she sure did..
" oh! how i wish you were here" she calls out in the darkness of her soul .... she can hear them far away pass her by... no one knows, no one would understand... she thinks.. then she slaps her self back saying " that's what the weak say..you were never weak... you were never that weak"
she thinks of how many people would laugh at her now... "little miss perfect" they'd say mockingly... " look at you now" ......
suddenly she feels a chill run through her, a weird sense of fear... " what would u say to defend your self? what if u die now? what if the feelings u have so strong now they're blinding u change? you've seen it happen so many times? how stupid are u to think ur different? everybody think they are and that's why they eventually fail!!!"
she opens her eyes to the ring of the phone... it's him .. she puts on the face she put beside her and picks up the phone...

right about now!!

i know i should run away now
why am i holding on even tighter
i know i should leave and never look back now
why are my feet not moving
i know i should say a million things now
why am i so speechless just seeing u there
i know i feel so scared now
why doesn't it hit me while ur there
i know u understand how i feel now
why are you paralizing me with ur touch
i know i should just go now
why why am i running back to you

to you bro

i love you even if i don't want to sometimes
i 'll keep on reaching out for u even of u push me away most of the times
i 'll keep on waiting to this rare moments when u open up sometimes
although u dnt do it most of the times
i want to help u ... but it's like u run away from it sometimes
but i dnt know how or why u twist it around most of the times

i hope u'd open up and see it sometime
cause it's just hard to feel like that all the time

i choose to forget

i dnt ask u for anything not because i dnt need it, its just because it hurts more to ask and not get anything, than not asking and trying to make believe u forgot or any other lame excuse...
i dnt talk not because i am avoiding u, it's because it hurts more to open up my heart while u pretend to understand and the next day its like it never happend
i depend on my self and they might call it a boyish , not because i like it... it because i have to fullfill the things that are missing.. i choose to forget that you do not give it to me and focus on the fullfillment of achieving cause it's much better than being let down.
i see, and i know what i should be offered....
i know what i may be missing...
i know that i might be wronged..
dnt remind me.... i choose to forget

[this is about u N. cause i can never tell u that in the face]

why am i really here??

have u ever wondered why are u really here??
this really been on my mind since yesterday when i realized, despite my own denial i am really one of them.... i am one of those poor Egyptian youth i keep mocking all the time for their lack of purpose , motive and goal...
i have -like all of them- been put on a road i did not choose, been trained not to fail, to acquire as many skills as i can to be efficient and get from point (A) to point (B).. (e.g. from school to collage) and consider that success... i often called them (us ) le3ba bel zambalek, the family or the community around us byemloona and we keep hopping down that road..
i am gng with the flow according to what is acceptable or appropriate to the world around me and ignoring the world inside which has been numbed for so long ... and i guess its trying to wake up.... but it's dizzy, disoriented and with a broken compass..it's freaking out should it break all walls and just run as fast as it cans or should it take another pill and go to sleep.
i have been lucky to try out so many things .. but on the side... but el maly 7'eles and there is something that is waking up inside telling me... where is ur point (B)? do u like it? so u really want to get there? why dnt u think of it fro sometime and wait till ur all the way there and realize.... oops that sucks... why the hell am i here today?
is it wise to just pack and leave?.... is cutting all ties and gng ahead full throttle the way to go?, or should there be a safety net? is the safety net really a net or a rope to hold u back when u stray too far from the main stream? i know that many people would like to be where i am today... well this is me not them :S
i really dnt know..
and the line that rings on my head from the oasis song " and this time i just ask my self why...
why am i really here?"

well this goes along too "supertramp` the logical song"

When I was young
It seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees
Well they'd be singing so happily
Oh joyfully, oh playfully watching me
But then they sent me away
To teach me how to be sensible
Logical, oh responsible, practical
And they showed me a world
Where I could be so dependable
Oh clinical, oh intellectual, cynical

There are times when all the world's asleep
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am

Now watch what you say
Or they'll be calling you a radical
A liberal, oh fanatical, criminal
Oh won't you sign up your name
We'd like to feel you're
Acceptable, respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable

saddness is...

i came across this post as i surfed other blogs.. i took the liberty of translating it and posting it cause i really felt that it expresses many faces of saddness that anyone, anywhere at one point saw....
enjoy ...
saddness is:
to meed you admist the overcowded life, and weave with u the most wonderful love story, we life it's every detail, day in day out... and dream of making even better days.. then it ends in a tragidy..

saddness is:
when i unlock the gates of my dreams for u, and live by your side in a castle of fantasy.. then the castle crumbles to the groung infront of me

saddness is :
when u become the eyes i see with, the air that i breathe, the blood that runs through my veins.. then i suddenly bleed u all at once

saddness is:
that i become addicted to your love, addicted to your voice.. addicted to you just being there around me... then i open my eyes to your absence

saddness it:
that you becone reality after being a just a dream... to meet you after being just a wish, to come my way after waiting and anticipating for so long.. to find you after a long long search for you... and wake up to the earthquake of your abscence

saddness is:
to distant but not at a distance.. to be silent and your voice rings in my ear, to be gone but your image is haunting me, to leave and your beath is still in my heart... to disappear but your shadow is right behind me tearing me apart

saddness is:
when i close my eyes and i can see you, when i am all alone and i can see you, when i look in the mirror and i can see you, when i glimpse your gifts and i can see you, when i read your messages and i can see you, but when i come back to reality i can't

saddness is:
when i try to collect the pieces behind you, when i draw your picture every night on my ceiling, when i talk to you like a mad person evey night, when my longing carries me to you and back to my bed every night to cry from you and for you

saddness is:
that birthdays come to find me alone, that spring comes to find me alone, that rain falls to find me alone, that longing knocks on my door to find me alone... that life passes me alone

saddness is:
to see you one day by chance, and that our roads may cross.. and i see you with another hand in hand.... you look at me and don't recognise me.. while my whole life and being calls out for you.


saddness is :
when i write to you but u never get my messages.. when i scream and you dnt hear my voice.. when i breathe my last breath before seeing you.. and the news would pass you like any stranger

[this is a translated copy from the origional post by fadfada http://oemz25.blogspot.com/2008/03/blog-post.html ]

the way to not-knowing

maybe i am streching my self too much, maybe i should accept my limitations, and my complete obliviouslness when the shit hits the fan coming from behind my back.. and that i can protect everyone from it.. or help them, specially when they dnt want to help themselves
why do i feel responsible???
maybe cause i know i have been more responsible ever since i was 11 :S, or even before hand.. i even had the key to the house as a 10 year old, some of my friends are not trusted with their own's till now and they are close to having their own kids..
i know i had to tend for my brother...
i know i had to hear about my dad's problems at work and make conversation about that ...
i knew somethings i just can't have or afford ...
i knew many things too early and there is no way to go back to not-knowing..
i know when i see someone in trouble or sad i feel i HAVE TO help as much as i can..
dear bro.,
i know when i ask u why are u so angry is because i care. maybe it is not in a shape or form u understand.. but i have enough shit on my own hands to be meddlesome....
i know it's not understandable to you why i dnt stand for my rights... but u dnt know that the thought of putting a burden on someone is just against my nature it soesn't have to do anything with strength
dear S,
I know can offer almost nothign to help u ...
but i know it kills me..
and kills me more that u dnt see that ur streching urself oo hard and at one point everyone is ment to break if streched that hard
dear N,
i hope you can do half u say...
i know you know.... i know u feel.....
i know that asking you for anything will hurt more that it would give
dear D,
i know u think i am distracted, or not there for u as before..
but dnt u think that's unfair? ..
try and not take people for granted ..
cause if u think extra is the norm... no one would be able to maintain it at one point
i am there if u need me without asking.. try and do the same i would look that bad then

i know as a kid i am sure i didn't think that life would be this way
i know that he picture was not that happy... but still this picture falls way behind
i know so many things as much as i dn't know others...
but most of all i wish there was a way back to not knowing

(it's really early in the morning andi only slept like 4 hours the last couple of nights... so pls excuse the incoherency )

"all that you are is.. a wall between myself, and me"

seeing u blows my mind away... i never got to know if it's a good thing or a bad one, nothing seems to matter when u're there.... my mind does not seem to function... i search inside looking for my self but i can't find it, it returns to haunt me when ur gone.. and i wish u stayed to chase her away....i dnt like her she scares me...

she makes me think too much and she is the same one who made me forget what happiness is.. and now i am getting to know it again, and i want to .. god how i want to

she is the one who made me forget what happy is, and now i think i am getting to know it again... yet she stands in my way warning me, keeps nagging and reminding me that it might all go away.. she thinks that i might hurt more if it does, and she knows i have no more room for scars ... she knows how far i am willing to go and she knows how many people who knew that used it... she scares me yet she is afriad of you cause u're the closest.. ur inside and it is the hurt from within that can hurt the most.. it can hurt to kill...

Find me here ... Speak to me

I want to feel you.... I need to hear you

You are the light... That is leading me

to the place where I find peace ...again

You are the strength.... that keeps me walking

You are the hope.... that keeps me trusting

You are the life .... to my soul

You are my purpose.... You are everything

And how can I stand here with you

and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be

any better than this

You calm the storms .... You give me rest

You hold me in your hands .... You wont let me fall

You steal my heart .... and you take my breath away

Would you take me in? ... Would you take me deeper now?

cause you're all I want

You are all I need

You are everything

everything

[life house ~ everything]

i can feel it coming in the air ....

definiton "karma":
"Hinduism, Buddhism. action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation.. "
i totally belive in karma... what you do will come back to haunt you good or bad, if not in this life well then it will be in the next one...
so does that piece of info make you think twice of the consequesces???
i guess not all the time.. i guess no one is afraid of the good deeds it is the bad ones that are scary..
and when u fall... u are in a state of apprehension waiting..... in a state of apprehension.... waiting for karma to hit...

if you can't understand my silence .... you will never understand my words
anonymous~ was on top of my desk someday

fading away

it fades..
all my worries and my thoughts when ur there,
i was never able to judge if its a good or a bad thing?
but for some weird reason everything is not the same... i am not the same around u
i have a zillion things to say... a million things i want to do
but i just sit there staring at u ... blank
trying to savour every moment cause i know that soon u will have to go... i don't want to disturb this moment and i dnt want to go back to face the demons all alone..
sometimes i wish if only u can stay
if only i can get the sun to shine on a rainy day

i want you

this is specially for you... cause i always feel that i can never say or do anything to make u feel the amount of joy and happiness u bring into my life...
you bring me hope and dreams there were so lost before u came to stay :)
so this goes out for you

i want you

i want you to break these walls around me

i want you to reach deep inside of me

i want you to live in my dreams

i want you to help me over come my fears

i want you to be a part if me

long time... no blog

well here i am ..
back venting all my bottled thoughts... out from the widmills of my mind into the world wide space
why?
it' s always a good vent when all the ears are tired of listening ... and all the heads are weary of trying to make sense ..
i am not gng to be writing on regular basis i guess.. maybe just drop a line or two. maybe i am not that good taking it out in verbal words, lately i have been all so silent although i know i have alot to say and alot that would love to be heard... but they just dnt make sense to me in words maybe they can make sense in writing