now please!!

i just had a car accident a couple of hours ago, my car is more damaged than i am .. the funny thing is i was just thinking the other day that the only thing left to go wrong is having my car breaking down, it's my little place in the universe where i can just let go. i can go somewhere to be alone, cry, sing, just hide and no one would intrude... it's a piece of who i am, i dnt care if i sounds lame.. i love my car
it's amazing how a close encouter with i wouldn't like to call it death cause it's too major for that accident, yet it makes u wonder how ur so fragile and no matter what ur dng, how safe u feel, it can all end like that.......... in a second ur gone, amazing how we know that fact for real, yet we choose to ignore it, i know personally i did, many times ur dng something u know u shouldn't be dng and wonder , what if i die now?..
although, other times u go like i wish i can die now......
sorry for the dull thoughts.... its just how i feel this moment.... now please!!!

The Lift

this is a piece i wrote quite a while ago, i must admit that most of my posted writing are pretty old, i just refine them a bit and publish them.. yet, this one really suits the time of important decsions i am getting in to these days.. life changing decsions are always scary no matter how confident u are, yet at one point u have to stop calculating.. time never stops.. take the best odds u've got and make ur best shot at it... nothing in life is won without some loss .... pick the least and jump......

"the lift"

i'm standing on this step,

to get on the lift,

it's there waiting for me,

with it's doors wide open,

and i'm standing there frozen,

afraid of where it may take me,

of it's doors closing in on me,

i know how far up it can take me,

yet scared, it won't stop where i want to be,

so i am paralized on this step.

afraid to fall in to the gap,

between my ground,

and the lift.

is forgetting a blessing?

it's what i consider an eternal question ..
sometimes we forget things that hurt us.. which can help is let go, help us move on and forget the pain whoever or whatever caused us............. but does that prevent us from doing the same mistakes again? does it help us see what went wrong.. or do we forget the lessons along with the pain they caused..
sometimes we forget details and memories as we loose our loved ones, sometimes this kind of forgetting can be painful, we feel that we have kind of betrayed them ... we try to hold on to the mental images and happy moments in our heads as they fade away with time and there's nothing we can do about it, the more we try to remember the more we realise we forgot...
on the other hand there are certain memories that stir that deep pain inside of us and we never seem to let it go, it's like we're dilerberatly hurting ourselves longer and even deeper and enjoying torturing our souls that way........ fooling ourselves into thinking we're going to forget by time.......

where did that name come from ??

i realised that this blog is approching a month of age now, and i didn't explain where the name came from... well, i just realised i may be too much of a lyrics' freak, cause there are just too many lyrics posted here... including the title.. but u know what? songs are just poatry sung.. it's more familiar than just plain poatry in a book.
well back to my topic for the day... the title came from a duran duran song, it's called ordinary world, there are a couple of lines in it that totally explain how i feel when i have what i call it unelastic collision with reality .. ( u have to look it up if u dnt know it... it's a physics term) and this blog is an outlet to the results of too many collsions.
i won't give u the whole song .. just the parts that click with me and made me choose it for a title.

What has happened to it all?

Crazy, some are saying

Where is the life that I recognize?

Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday

There's an ordinary world

Somehow I have to find

And as I try to make my way

To the ordinary world

I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence

Once prompted you to say

"Pride will tear us both apart"

Well now pride's gone out the window

Cross the rooftops

Run away

Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?

Crazy, some'd say

Where is my friend when I need you most?

Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday

There's an ordinary world

Somehow I have to find

And as I try to make my way

To the ordinary world

I will learn to survive

one

no thoughts or special writings today... my mind is a total mess.. so i'll leave u with the song of today.. it's orgionally by U2 , but u know the REM cover is much better.. it's a must - listen

"One"

Is it getting better

Or do you feel the same

Will it make it easier on you now

You got someone to blame

You say...One love

One life

When it's one need

In the night

One love

We get to share it

Leaves you baby

if you Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you

Or leave a bad taste in your mouth

You act like you never had love

And you want me to go without

Well it's...Too late

Tonight

To drag the past out into the light

We're one,

but we're not the same

We get to Carry each other

Carry each other

One...

Have you come here for forgiveness

Have you come to raise the dead

Have you come here to play Jesus

To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much

More than a lot

You gave me nothing

Now it's all I got

We're one

But we're not the same

Well we Hurt each other

Then we do it again

You say

Love is a temple

Love a higher law

Love is a temple

Love the higher law

You asked me to enter

But then you make me crawl

And I can't be holding on

To what you got

When all you got is hurt

One love

One blood

One life

You got to do what you should

One life

With each other

Sisters

Brothers

One lifeBut we're not the same

We get to Carry each other

Carry each other

One...life

One

"confusing what is real"

i was talking to friend of mine yesterday and the comment i was given just rang in my head all day " don't be wreckless with your own heart.. or other people's hearts".
maybe i hang on to the things i love too hard.. i kind of focus on how much things/people may mean to me more than how much i am actually worth.. might sound degrading.. but u know what? it only is if people don't appreciate it.. i think it's hard to give when ur constantly thinking what ur gng to get back.. it just looses the whole meanig of giving.. yet as the quote says " the wise knows when to try harder, and when to let go" maybe i am just plain stupid ...lol

sometimes one's emotions can be the most confusing thing.. u know what u want, u know that the person might not have it.. yet u keep trying harder and harder.. to fit that person into that picture, u are blinded by ur own attraction..wreckless of ur own heart and feelings
on the other hand someone might be willing to offer all what ur looking for and more .. yet u can't even consider taking it........ ur kind of blinded from the same things that u've been actually been searching for.. and that's being wreckless with others..

careful what u wish for

this is a personal experience.......... hope kills slowly
i wished i could find u.. when i did u walked away
i wished to help u.. you just pushed me away
i wished we can hang on for us.. u kept tearing it apart
i wished u could know how much i care...u kept breakng bit by bit off what's left of my heart
i wished i could talk to u.. words just slipped away
i wished i could only see u .. when i did, it hurt too much i had to walk away
i wished to move on.. i'm trying but it feels too numb

it's not ment to be a poam... it's not ment to be a hidden message.. cause some feelings can't be induced if they are not there... as a friend of mine said " don't expect much from people who don't give much"

insomnia

2 days of spending the night at the hospital.. and another 2 days to go... i feel so wasted, it's not that i hate working, maybe if i felt that all that effort was of any help or use.. i would have been more accepting to that vampire life i am experiencing... lol, add to that more helpful co-workers.
i totally get the line edwart norton said at the begining of fight club... "when u haven't slept, everything feels like an out of body experience".. i am not a movie freak it's just i got my hands on the book and i'm half way through it..

i am not gng to share a piece of my mind today, and to make up for the missed blog from yesterday i'll leave u with one of my oldest favourites ever, i was listening to an old tape in my car last night and when it played i was like "yaaaaa long time no hear" it's by a band named fuel the song is " heamorrage" some anti-medical term people call it "in my hands"

Memories are just where you laid down

Dragging the waters til the depths give up their dead

What did you expect to find?

Was it something you left behind?

Don't you remember anything I said when I said,

[Chorus:]Don't fall away and leave me to myself

Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands,

in my hands again

And leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands

Love lies bleeding

Oh hold me now I feel contagious

Am I the only place that you've left to go?

She cries her life is like Some movie in black and white

Dead actors faking lines,

over and over and over again she cries

[Chorus]

And I watched as you turned away

You don't remember, but I do

You never even tried

Don't fall away and leave me to myself

Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands,in my hands again

Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again

Leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again, oh

u live.. u learn

it's amazing how life keeps teaching u that lesson that u are not in control, no matter how much u plan or things seem to work out... there are no guarentees
i guess most of the disappointments goes back to the way we were raised.. or should i talk on a more personal level.. i was raised.. i some how belived ( in a way still do ) that when u treat people nicely, the least thing u deserve is to be treated well back, when u give ur best u will be rewarded, when u trust u should be at least gives credit, when u love people would love u back or just walk away.. be kind as much as u can, kindness touches the heart, maybe it did one time long ago not anymore ..
yet, u don't always get what u deserve ( if ever), people don't appreciate trust anymore, they don't belive u can be truly giving or happy for another.. as the anonymous quote says " u can't make someone love u all u can do is be someone who can be loved" ... we might regret trustung or loving people.. but was all that because they were worth it? or is it just the way we are?
do we really love that person, or the way they make us feel, or the image that we had for our life with them, or are we just content with finding a preson to fill that void in our lives....... and when things don't work out .. are we grieving for the person or all our lost fantasies...
and when we feel all that loss.. are the spaces we left in theirs missed too??
i guess one never knows............

the other side

when you hit that ice wall inside of me,

a part of me crushes against it,

on the other side,

when you feel i'm pushing you away from me,

a part of me is screaming out for you,

on the otherside,

when you feel like there's a vague part if me,

another part is loving you,

on the other side,

when you feel like walking away on me,

try crossing,

to the other side....

let me be me

most if the time when we turn for advice, all we really need is someone to listen... and people don't get that all the time, u just open up the subject and all the theories and opinions flood in.. and u start thinking deep in the back of your head:
-u know what maybe i don't want the best thing there is, maybe i am satisfied with the 2nd , 3rd or even 4th best thing cause it's what makes me happy....
-i can be more forgiving than you are...
-this hurts more than u think ...
-u don't have the right to judge me ....
-this means a hell of alot more to me than that..
- i am not perfect ..
-i have the right to be weak sometimes, stupid someother times.. why don't u get it??.........

some people expect a certain degree of perfection from us, which can be flattering yet quite a burden sometimes......... cause at the end of the day, we are human, each one is moulded in a different way and no one has the right to judge that..... we have to accept our shortcomings and give ourselves a break to be mistaken, break down sometimes , and make those weird choices that might make us happy while no one else understands why...

the voice

there are times in our life's when we look around for advice... but did u ever wonder if u really need that "other opinion".... personally i belive that most of the times that tiny voice in the back of our head tells us the right thing to do... but we just ignore it, refuse to listen or sometimes just silence it somehow... somehow that "voice" is always right and if we refuse to listen the first time it just walks away on us... and down the road we wonder .. " i kind of knew that would happen all along.. if only i listened " some might call it instinct some might call it intuition, hunch, gut feeling , whatever u may call it, it's almost always right.. it's like the first shot u take at a mcq exam (Multiple Choice Questions for those who don't know it by now) , if u revise and change ur answer, 90% chance is that u've changed it wrong and ur first answer was the right one.. it's the voice.. it was right again...

it's just one of my weird thoughts i have during my shifts......... i'm sure many of u out there have the same trouble with your own little voices ...

The Coming of the Ship

well i am still not feeling very well today... alot of thought's are running through my head, i looked upon one of my old readings to find quotes off khalil gobran's book " the prophet", thought i'll leave u with a bit off it that really touched me.. i don't think anything i can ever come up with can measure up to that... it's off the first chapter the "the coming of the ship" that has come to take the prophet away from the city, and feels torn between how much he dreamt of this day when the ship came and he sailed off with it, and leaving that city that had became his home all those years...

Then the gates of his heart were flung open, and his joy flew far over the sea. And he closed his eyes and prayed in the silences of his soul.
But as he descended the hill, a sadness came upon him, and he thought in his heart:
How shall I go in peace and without sorrow? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this city.
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?
Too many fragments of the spirit have I scatterd in these streets, and too many are the children of my longing that walk naked among these hills, and I cannot withdraw from them without a burden and an ache.
It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands.
Nor is it a thought I leave behind me, but a heart made sweet with hunger and with thirst.
Yet I cannot tarry longer.
The sea that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark.

"coming back to life"

i am in no mood for writing today.. the flu got the best of me and i am too sick to be creative right now, so i'll leave with the lyrics of the song i have been listening to over and over since yesterday, amazing lyrics and the live version is just perfect music... it's the brilliant pink floyd the track is "coming back to life"

"Coming Back To Life"

Where were you when I was burned and broken

While the days slipped by from my window watching

Where were you when I was hurt and helpless

Because the things you say and the things you do surround me

While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words

Dying to believe in what you heard I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time

While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted

Outside the rain fell dark and slow

While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the moment had arrived

For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the waiting had begun

And headed straight..into the shining sun

dilemma

sometimes u stand beside urself and think.. wow, i sound so smart why can't i do that myself. we're always smarter in solving the problems that aren't ours, in seeing stuff that we're not involoved in...
all our feelings and emotions get in the way and we dnt think straight or lets call it logical, until we put them aside... yet we can't, and we don't, and u know what we shouldn't sometimes.. the logical solutions might be safer, but they dn't have the joy u find if ur feelings are fullfilled too.
it's the everlasting dilemma of the heart vs the mind as some people may call it.... knowing the right/ logical/ less painful thing to do and yet just being unable to do it.....

i hope it makes sense cause i haven't slept much and i am not making sense to me from the first place...lol

"and i hope u,ve gone to a better place"

today is a very speical day, it's my late mother's birthday.. don't start thinking all sypathatic, or sarcastic-yeah-poor-girl kind of thinking i am just sharing some thoughts that this day stirrs in me.. same thoughts that might be stirred in everyone of us when we think how someone's presence specially if that close my have affected who we are..
i wonder what if she was here today, would i have been the same person, i think maybe i wouldn't have been that tough, i must have got that from my father alright, maybe i wouldn't have been independed that much, i would have been more conservative... would we have been friends, or would we always fighting over the way she wants to control my life.
i wonder if she saw who i am today, would she be surprised or shocked? does she feel proud when she hears about me in the heavens? does she know that i am not as perfect as everyone may think i am.... doesn she understand that i am human and i have my own imperfections and trying to patch up the pieces as much as i can..
on the other hand ... me .. i miss her shoulder to cry on, her hand stroking my hair to sleep, i miss having someone to listen who's really intrested to hear me out and would help me feel better as much as she can, i miss her holding me in her arms, someone i am dead sure would be there no matter what .......... i miss everything she is.
and i hope and belive that she's in a better place.....
i pray all ower loved ones that we miss so dearly are...

another side of me

i guess now i am ready to let go,
i don't know if it's that i'm stronger,
or i'm just weaker,
stronger that i don't need you anymore,
or too weak to hold on,

what i know is that,
i'm too tired of thinking,
of hoping you still love me,
or need me there,

so i just let go,
not knowing if,
it's a stronger or weaker side of me.

-PAUSE-

there comes a certain instant in your life when u wish u could just find the "pause" button... when u feel u want it all to just stop, when u feel all u want at this instant is to just drop dead, that the earth could just swallow u... that u can just break down .....
but the weird thing is u don't ... time ever stops for your grief, and no matter how dark it gets, how hard it is to breathe, or how much the mere beating of your heart seems to consume all the energy there is in your body............ life goes on.
and at one point many weeks, months, or even years after that moment you look back and see all the huge mountains of sorrow just seems so small, things are not as fatal as they may seem and you may feel even stupid, but there are a few lessons in life we just can't learn except the hard way, no matter how many people try to lend us a hand....... fullfill all the maybe's and what if's so u can break free and move on feeling you've done all u can, and now u can move in the only way to go.... forwards

HE...

he doesn't know when he's far away,
what is the price i have to pay,
he doesn't know today i saw him and walked away,
afriad of what he might or might not say,
he doesnt know how i feel,
he's not here to see my tears,
he doesn't let me into his mind,
he's not the same kind
of man, i am chained to
the memories he left behind.

just a short reflection

well i make this one a short reflection, cause i am tired, it's late and i need to just crash.

this thought gets me all the time sometimes, and last night when i was crammed in my car at 3 am in the morning, the temprature is close to 4 degrees the least, i realised there are so many tiny things in life we take for granted.... how much we should be thankful for the tiniest things in life........ my warm bed, my home, a warm shower and a decent meal that regardless of how cold, desperate and alone i was at this moment, i am lucky to have these things to go home to... and it's not cause i worked hard to achieve any of it... i was just born where i am el 7amdulle allah.

i was thankful that i am not in pain as many of the people who are staying at the hospital that night, i was thankful that i am on that end of the world, the giving hand, as tiny as it may give right now... but at least it's trying.. i am thankful that i am sound and that my close ones are too.. that i am not worried about someone i care for that way those people freezing in the cold waiting for their loved ones are..........

i am thankful that i have this insight .. that this life with all it's hopes and heartbreaks is just transient... and no matter how bad i might feel sometimes, if i have done my best there is no use making my self feel even worse about my losses.... i have so much yet... and i should try my best not to loose focus of the things i have...

might sound too idealistic, i must confess it's hard and i haven't got the hang of it much... but i am trying .... and hopefully one day i'll have enough insight to look only forwards, beyond that life..

so tired

i'm so tired of moving on,
so tired of being strong,
so tired if looking for you,
that someone i can call my home,

i'm so tired of making it on my own,
i wish i can just lay my head on your shoulder,
but i can never find you there,
you're always gone.

i'm so tired of this fake smile i wear,
this stone walls that grew so strong,
so tired of this cold void,
of you leaving the minute you strip my soul.

i'm so tired of these tears,
they don't mean anything for anyone anymore,
no matter how many pieces i break,
somehow it manages to ache even more.


>>> this just came off the top of my head just now... so please excuse that it's not pretty much balanced

sometimes

this is something an old friend of mine wrote along time ago after a conversation i had with her.. it is supposed to discribe how i feel ... i thought it was worth publishing, also it still rings in my head everynow and then...

ihope u dont find it all so lame...

>>>sometimes<<<
sometimes it feels so weird,
sometimes it's like an open field,
sometimes i really don't know,
where am i supposed to go,
sometimes i feel like celebrating,
and in a minute my happiness is fading,
somtimes i feel the sun going round the moon,
sometimes i see rain falling in june,
sometimes crying is not enough,
sometimes life goes really tough,
somtimes....sometimes...sometimes
it's so hard to deal in lies

concepts of forever

did u ever think what that word means to u.... "forever" ... and how much it's the first one to wear off...
when u were young u think ur parents are going to be there forever... and many things can change that... they might get seperated, forever is only left to the one ur staying with.... or one might die... then forever is definetly lost there, and u start dreaming of another forever with them in another life... i won't argue belif there but that's the case...

growing up , u think that close friends are going to be there forever, and u know what.. people grow.. and specially at early ages you grow apart more that together cause there are many aspects of your personality growing at the same time it's just hard to coordinate .. but it hurts u move on u meet other people and u grow, and more forevers crash down over you .. u change some more and life goes on.

a different aspect of forever is u think that older people are going be the smartest and the wisest forever, u have an ultimate trust in them.......... yet you grow, u change and u are exposed to situations and experiences they just havent been exposed to, u turn to them and u might find that their views just dont suit ur situation, and the inner conflict begins, the perfect image of the wise-always-right gets a bit blurry, and the lucky realise that they're just humans like everyone else, they are limited with the scope of their own lifes which might add or restrict yours if u let it... i am not underestimating older people, whether parents, family or whoever... personaly i do turn to them almost all the time... but there is this thin line of "my decision, my choices", and somethings no one can decide for you... you control ur own life, even if u think that at one point u were led on by, or forced by other persons or circustances.. well, wake up... u let that happen from the first place

there comes another troubling aspect of forever, when you are all grown, overgrown the concept of the family that raised u, a certain void develops inside and u reach out there to fill it... and finally u choose partner to fill it....... and dreams of forever begins....
this one can be a bit tricky, cause people differ in the ways they respond to their emotions... some lucky people can control them.... other less fortunate people are blinded by them ... they can be also lucky if they fall it the right hands ... but u know what the wrong hands out number them........ back to my point, suddenly a space open up in your life and that person fills it, u plan this year the next year, u name you children, the honey moon spots and all the fantasies and then BANG..... forever just runs out for one reason or the other, there's not enough space to name them all ........ forever may even run out and ur left to face the void alone.. or it may even run out while ur together but it's just not the same forever u had in your head..

i guess the only constant thing in life is change, so we have to accept it, cause u know what it's the only thing that keeps happening, the only forever that exists is the one that still didn't even start..

i hope it's not too gloomy for all of u.. i just hopes it adds some insight to anyone out there ... :)

hello cyber space

after a long time of thinking about it.. i finally got the guts to start my own blog... i don't really have a plan or a theme to it.. all i know is it will just be a reflection to some thoughts i might have, experience, or just observe..
i guess i'll leave it there now till i post something that really makes sense :)