why am i really here??

have u ever wondered why are u really here??
this really been on my mind since yesterday when i realized, despite my own denial i am really one of them.... i am one of those poor Egyptian youth i keep mocking all the time for their lack of purpose , motive and goal...
i have -like all of them- been put on a road i did not choose, been trained not to fail, to acquire as many skills as i can to be efficient and get from point (A) to point (B).. (e.g. from school to collage) and consider that success... i often called them (us ) le3ba bel zambalek, the family or the community around us byemloona and we keep hopping down that road..
i am gng with the flow according to what is acceptable or appropriate to the world around me and ignoring the world inside which has been numbed for so long ... and i guess its trying to wake up.... but it's dizzy, disoriented and with a broken compass..it's freaking out should it break all walls and just run as fast as it cans or should it take another pill and go to sleep.
i have been lucky to try out so many things .. but on the side... but el maly 7'eles and there is something that is waking up inside telling me... where is ur point (B)? do u like it? so u really want to get there? why dnt u think of it fro sometime and wait till ur all the way there and realize.... oops that sucks... why the hell am i here today?
is it wise to just pack and leave?.... is cutting all ties and gng ahead full throttle the way to go?, or should there be a safety net? is the safety net really a net or a rope to hold u back when u stray too far from the main stream? i know that many people would like to be where i am today... well this is me not them :S
i really dnt know..
and the line that rings on my head from the oasis song " and this time i just ask my self why...
why am i really here?"

well this goes along too "supertramp` the logical song"

When I was young
It seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees
Well they'd be singing so happily
Oh joyfully, oh playfully watching me
But then they sent me away
To teach me how to be sensible
Logical, oh responsible, practical
And they showed me a world
Where I could be so dependable
Oh clinical, oh intellectual, cynical

There are times when all the world's asleep
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am

Now watch what you say
Or they'll be calling you a radical
A liberal, oh fanatical, criminal
Oh won't you sign up your name
We'd like to feel you're
Acceptable, respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable

saddness is...

i came across this post as i surfed other blogs.. i took the liberty of translating it and posting it cause i really felt that it expresses many faces of saddness that anyone, anywhere at one point saw....
enjoy ...
saddness is:
to meed you admist the overcowded life, and weave with u the most wonderful love story, we life it's every detail, day in day out... and dream of making even better days.. then it ends in a tragidy..

saddness is:
when i unlock the gates of my dreams for u, and live by your side in a castle of fantasy.. then the castle crumbles to the groung infront of me

saddness is :
when u become the eyes i see with, the air that i breathe, the blood that runs through my veins.. then i suddenly bleed u all at once

saddness is:
that i become addicted to your love, addicted to your voice.. addicted to you just being there around me... then i open my eyes to your absence

saddness it:
that you becone reality after being a just a dream... to meet you after being just a wish, to come my way after waiting and anticipating for so long.. to find you after a long long search for you... and wake up to the earthquake of your abscence

saddness is:
to distant but not at a distance.. to be silent and your voice rings in my ear, to be gone but your image is haunting me, to leave and your beath is still in my heart... to disappear but your shadow is right behind me tearing me apart

saddness is:
when i close my eyes and i can see you, when i am all alone and i can see you, when i look in the mirror and i can see you, when i glimpse your gifts and i can see you, when i read your messages and i can see you, but when i come back to reality i can't

saddness is:
when i try to collect the pieces behind you, when i draw your picture every night on my ceiling, when i talk to you like a mad person evey night, when my longing carries me to you and back to my bed every night to cry from you and for you

saddness is:
that birthdays come to find me alone, that spring comes to find me alone, that rain falls to find me alone, that longing knocks on my door to find me alone... that life passes me alone

saddness is:
to see you one day by chance, and that our roads may cross.. and i see you with another hand in hand.... you look at me and don't recognise me.. while my whole life and being calls out for you.


saddness is :
when i write to you but u never get my messages.. when i scream and you dnt hear my voice.. when i breathe my last breath before seeing you.. and the news would pass you like any stranger

[this is a translated copy from the origional post by fadfada http://oemz25.blogspot.com/2008/03/blog-post.html ]

the way to not-knowing

maybe i am streching my self too much, maybe i should accept my limitations, and my complete obliviouslness when the shit hits the fan coming from behind my back.. and that i can protect everyone from it.. or help them, specially when they dnt want to help themselves
why do i feel responsible???
maybe cause i know i have been more responsible ever since i was 11 :S, or even before hand.. i even had the key to the house as a 10 year old, some of my friends are not trusted with their own's till now and they are close to having their own kids..
i know i had to tend for my brother...
i know i had to hear about my dad's problems at work and make conversation about that ...
i knew somethings i just can't have or afford ...
i knew many things too early and there is no way to go back to not-knowing..
i know when i see someone in trouble or sad i feel i HAVE TO help as much as i can..
dear bro.,
i know when i ask u why are u so angry is because i care. maybe it is not in a shape or form u understand.. but i have enough shit on my own hands to be meddlesome....
i know it's not understandable to you why i dnt stand for my rights... but u dnt know that the thought of putting a burden on someone is just against my nature it soesn't have to do anything with strength
dear S,
I know can offer almost nothign to help u ...
but i know it kills me..
and kills me more that u dnt see that ur streching urself oo hard and at one point everyone is ment to break if streched that hard
dear N,
i hope you can do half u say...
i know you know.... i know u feel.....
i know that asking you for anything will hurt more that it would give
dear D,
i know u think i am distracted, or not there for u as before..
but dnt u think that's unfair? ..
try and not take people for granted ..
cause if u think extra is the norm... no one would be able to maintain it at one point
i am there if u need me without asking.. try and do the same i would look that bad then

i know as a kid i am sure i didn't think that life would be this way
i know that he picture was not that happy... but still this picture falls way behind
i know so many things as much as i dn't know others...
but most of all i wish there was a way back to not knowing

(it's really early in the morning andi only slept like 4 hours the last couple of nights... so pls excuse the incoherency )

"all that you are is.. a wall between myself, and me"

seeing u blows my mind away... i never got to know if it's a good thing or a bad one, nothing seems to matter when u're there.... my mind does not seem to function... i search inside looking for my self but i can't find it, it returns to haunt me when ur gone.. and i wish u stayed to chase her away....i dnt like her she scares me...

she makes me think too much and she is the same one who made me forget what happiness is.. and now i am getting to know it again, and i want to .. god how i want to

she is the one who made me forget what happy is, and now i think i am getting to know it again... yet she stands in my way warning me, keeps nagging and reminding me that it might all go away.. she thinks that i might hurt more if it does, and she knows i have no more room for scars ... she knows how far i am willing to go and she knows how many people who knew that used it... she scares me yet she is afriad of you cause u're the closest.. ur inside and it is the hurt from within that can hurt the most.. it can hurt to kill...

Find me here ... Speak to me

I want to feel you.... I need to hear you

You are the light... That is leading me

to the place where I find peace ...again

You are the strength.... that keeps me walking

You are the hope.... that keeps me trusting

You are the life .... to my soul

You are my purpose.... You are everything

And how can I stand here with you

and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be

any better than this

You calm the storms .... You give me rest

You hold me in your hands .... You wont let me fall

You steal my heart .... and you take my breath away

Would you take me in? ... Would you take me deeper now?

cause you're all I want

You are all I need

You are everything

everything

[life house ~ everything]

i can feel it coming in the air ....

definiton "karma":
"Hinduism, Buddhism. action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation.. "
i totally belive in karma... what you do will come back to haunt you good or bad, if not in this life well then it will be in the next one...
so does that piece of info make you think twice of the consequesces???
i guess not all the time.. i guess no one is afraid of the good deeds it is the bad ones that are scary..
and when u fall... u are in a state of apprehension waiting..... in a state of apprehension.... waiting for karma to hit...