el7amdulellah

well i haven't been writing lately
i guess its mainly because i dnt write except when i am in a bad mood, and lately el7amdulellah life was pretty good and even more hectic ... its amazing all the details there is to start a new life :S
i am happy i can not deny that, i am scared and it masks my happiness most of the time, i am still tied to the old me in the back of my mind maybe just for safety the same way as a kid i used to hang on to my single shoulder floater while i am dead sure i outgrew it years ago and it won' t save me anymore from drowning, but it just made me feel safe.
i am grateful to god for all his blessings that even what seems bad happens and always happened for a good reason, i just pray for the insight to realize it.
i don't think i have much more to add i just wanted to put down a line or two.

feelings update

how i feel ??
its a huge mix of emotions that puzzel me before anyone else,
i am scared of this life i am starting
i am happy for this life i am starting
i am excited... apprehensive
and in love
and most of the time not even regestering it all!! did i grow up that fast?

10 feet off the ground... and falling

how can you put me there and watch telling me how sorry you are?
how dare u make me live this dream and watch me run like crazy to catch it... and ask me to just pause everything and you'll be back..
i don't want to understand... i know you do... yet you just leave me in the dark one more time and ask ne to trust you
i hate the dark... i am sick of it and i am sick of chasing this dream hoping that you are dreaming it too.... i would fight all the odds to reach it and u can too... actually u care and u did but somehow u can put it on hold and that is just uncomprehendable to me... specially right now
i should be supportive... i should have some foresight
yet being a human, being a woman in love, having waited that long beats me.....
i feel like .... i dunno
but this is as close as it gets

"Apologize"~one republic ft. timbaland

[Verse 1]I'm holdin' on your rope,

Got me ten feet off the ground.

And I'm hearin' what you say,

But I just can't make a sound.

You tell me that you need me,

Then you go and cut me down...But wait...

You tell me that you're sorry,

Didn't think I'd turn around...And say...

[Chorus]That it's too late to apologize.

It's too late...I said it's too late to apologize.

It's too late.Yeah!

[Verse 2]I'd take another chance,

Take a fall, take a shot for you.

I need you like a heart needs a beat,

But it's nothin' new.

I loved you with a fire red,

Now it's turnin' blue...And you say...

Sorry, like an angel

Heaven let me think was you...But I'm afraid...

I'm holdin' on your rope,got me ten feet off the ground.

"am i part of the cure.. or am i part of the disease?!!"

i guess PMS is hitting hard these days... i feel like crap..
i don't know if i do have the right to feel so or not and it is driving me mad...
i have been anticipating disaster for 2 days when i finally got my car crashed yesterday, and the weird thing is it felt like a relif... like i was waiting for it to happen ... and in a way i was... i was day dreaming about crashing each time i passed an intersection for the past few days...crazy ..huh!!
and there are those things that are bothering me and i really can't figure out if it's just a phase that will soon be behind me or is this a warning sign of what life is gng to be if i choose this to be my path..
i worry too much i know... but right now i feel so alone... its like suddenly everyone is so busy, too busy to be there for me and i am sick of trying to be considerate.... i am pissed, i should not be on my own not now.. i need help, i can't ask u for it people anymore isn't in obvious... no i can't be more talkative about it i need to to reach out, i need u to notice and try to be there.
i feeel low, bad. alone, lost. confused, grateful, scared, alone again, and angry
i don't knwo if all of this makes sense.. .really i dnt care if it does i just need to let it out

happiness... the question?!!

sometimes i wonder if i am afraid to be happy, i dnt know if scared or afraid is an appropriate description, maybe forgot how is more like it... or even the fact that i got used to this numb feeling
what is happiness?
is it the clear consience, facing urseld and facing god? that is tough ... we are ment to do wrong and to sin, its a pilosophical thought that i have, if being good was so easy we wouldn;t have been rewarded for sticking to what;s right? and then there would have been no redemption
is happiness being loved and cared for?
some people feel smothered by too much love, and how many of us were loved by what we call the wrong people we just cant love them back... is it to love and be loved.... well lets face it in our great counrty it is not just the both of u u have to love him and he loves u and his mother loves u too and your dad is ok about it and the list goes on
is happiness in reaching your goals?
what is your goal i know a whole generation who can not answer this question and their goals are only motivated my financial and materialistic reasons and that is obvsious in the hard times we are living today..
i have been trying to define happiness for 2 days know to explain the reason for my bad mood which is totally unexplainable cause even if i cant define happiness, i sure know sorrow very well and el7amdulellah it did not visit me in sometime

3ala feen ya masr... 7nesh7aat wala eih?!!

where are we heading?!!! this is all i can think of since the gas prices went up... i am not a 50 yr old so i can go "3ala ayaamna kan el genee beygeeb we ygeeb" but in the short time that i can call my life i am seeing it... in less than 10 yrs i am paying double for gas, i am paying 30 pounds for a Mc Donalds combo, and that is fast food and not a decent meal..
i wonder, it is not going to stop just here... am i gng to have kids and one day not be able to take them out cause i dnt have money for gas.. or not able to order a take out for them or even worse feed them at all, and i am not going to talk about schools or education .... !!!
it doesn't look very bright from where i stand right now... it's getting too much to handle... so many things i want to do and so little i can afford and this little is even shrinking... i am not complaining .. you know what i AM complaining... i am working hard... i am working harder than most people i know... how hard is it to make ends meet.. and i am alone, what would be the situation if i am responsible for someone else.. this is making me loose focus, i feel so materialistic but what can i do... !!
this is not the picture i had in mind this is not an ordinary world.. and this is fallin from being even a normal one !!!

just hold me

this was inspired bu a song i heard today...

you can't change the way i feel
but dnt just walk walk away
you can hold me

you can't undo all those things,

that scarred so deep, so long ago,

but hold on.. just hold me,

you can't promise to be there tomorrow,

the future is not ours,

but you can for now hold me

i dnt need to fight,

i dnt need to prove anything,

i dnt need anything,

if ur there... just hold me