from the bottom of humanity

she sits there in the darkness of her own self wondering... "what the hell have u done??"
she has always been so hard on herself, she learnt that its the only person she can actually blame for good reason, and the only one that would listen and change without disappointing her .. yet, this moment she feels so disapointed..
" you are such as hypocrite!!" she screams without saying a word... but this is how frustrated she is, it seems that everyone is looking at her with those perfect eyes and no one can see through, no one can see through the hell she is living trying to maintain this image as the gap widens between what she was and what she really is right now... at the bottom of humanity...
" i know it's hard... but come on, you've seen worse, you've been through worse and you passed every single test..." she rememebrs all those situations she's been through and how many people tried to pull her down... yet she someway, somehow was pulled through it by some magical force, where is that now??
maybe it's because of that one single dream, the only dream she had about her mum since she left... she smiled and looked at her as she drove away saying " don't worry child, i'll always be there for you" she always believed she was watching , so she never wanted to let her down..but she sure did..
" oh! how i wish you were here" she calls out in the darkness of her soul .... she can hear them far away pass her by... no one knows, no one would understand... she thinks.. then she slaps her self back saying " that's what the weak say..you were never weak... you were never that weak"
she thinks of how many people would laugh at her now... "little miss perfect" they'd say mockingly... " look at you now" ......
suddenly she feels a chill run through her, a weird sense of fear... " what would u say to defend your self? what if u die now? what if the feelings u have so strong now they're blinding u change? you've seen it happen so many times? how stupid are u to think ur different? everybody think they are and that's why they eventually fail!!!"
she opens her eyes to the ring of the phone... it's him .. she puts on the face she put beside her and picks up the phone...

right about now!!

i know i should run away now
why am i holding on even tighter
i know i should leave and never look back now
why are my feet not moving
i know i should say a million things now
why am i so speechless just seeing u there
i know i feel so scared now
why doesn't it hit me while ur there
i know u understand how i feel now
why are you paralizing me with ur touch
i know i should just go now
why why am i running back to you

to you bro

i love you even if i don't want to sometimes
i 'll keep on reaching out for u even of u push me away most of the times
i 'll keep on waiting to this rare moments when u open up sometimes
although u dnt do it most of the times
i want to help u ... but it's like u run away from it sometimes
but i dnt know how or why u twist it around most of the times

i hope u'd open up and see it sometime
cause it's just hard to feel like that all the time

i choose to forget

i dnt ask u for anything not because i dnt need it, its just because it hurts more to ask and not get anything, than not asking and trying to make believe u forgot or any other lame excuse...
i dnt talk not because i am avoiding u, it's because it hurts more to open up my heart while u pretend to understand and the next day its like it never happend
i depend on my self and they might call it a boyish , not because i like it... it because i have to fullfill the things that are missing.. i choose to forget that you do not give it to me and focus on the fullfillment of achieving cause it's much better than being let down.
i see, and i know what i should be offered....
i know what i may be missing...
i know that i might be wronged..
dnt remind me.... i choose to forget

[this is about u N. cause i can never tell u that in the face]