Rant Rant cause that it all I can do

life is all ups and downs and you claim that I get trapped in the downs, i didn't chose to be who I grew up to be, but you chose to be with me. life is a matter of choice some choices are harder than others, love is an amazing thing but it is fragile and relative, and for life to move on day in and day out it needs more, cause if it just fuels on love it will wear it out... and as much as it is not a good enough reason to be together when it hurts, I do not think it is a good idea to wait until you hate to walk away... I am tired of talking although it is the only thing I can do right now, I do not recognize the voice that talks back to me in my head no  more ....

the mood song that I do not remember who sung it or the tune but the lyrics are ringing in my head specially this part

                " what do you want from me
                    It's not like it used to be
                    you've taken my life away
                   Ruining everything"

and the worst part it you are clueless of how and why it turned that way...............

baby don't hurt me... no more

why is there a trend of judging how big a wrong is according to the general norm, if I say something hurts me i expect you to stop it, i would do the same... it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks how trivial or small or even stupid it is.. I judge it by the pain in causes me not how people view it full stop. and after a certain amount of that I would stop caring cause i can only take so much.... do you seriously have to take it all the way there? I am not scared if you ... I am scared of me not caring and you should be too cause at that point nothing matters

i do not have a title for this post i just need to rant ...
a lot has happened and happening all around, and somehow i am stuck... why ? i do not know, i am tied by my own thoughts, they are building a wall that is getting taller and thicker everyday separating me from everyone even myself which i do not recognize anymore... somehow by the time i finish tending to everything they picture to me as important there is not space for me anymore.......
i miss me... i can't go back to who i was and i am not satisfied with who i have become ...

Misery likes company

It is amazing how and why people like sharing sad and negative emotions rather than happy ones, i used to think that maybe it is because they are afraid through sharing them the might loose them. while as women when we talk about things that bother us we feel better, but recently i am starting to believe that maybe it is because bad / sad moments are more than the good ones, they over shadow everything in a way... things may apparently look perfect but under that thin shell you never know!!!
maybe i am becoming an old in content person,  sometimes it am confused at myself is it really that bad? am i over doing it, are the things that are bothering me really trivial? am I shallow? i always thought that one is the reference of what is important and what is not cause things that please or bother me are different from any one else's but somehow i am forced to caliber by feelings according to other people and i am getting tired of that ... i want someone to tap me on the shoulder and tell me it's ok and i am normal .... i have the right to feel bad !!!!! 

happiness .. huh?

i posted that a long time ago... and it's strange that i have those same feelings again.. it makes me more convinced that the problem lies within me.. i have so many things to feel thankful for... i have so many thinks people dream about.. yet i am fighting with this void... it's just void not discontent..
my hubby asks me an average 10 times a day " what is wrong?" it echoes in my head.. i sometimes try to even avoid the question every way i can cause i love him and me looking that way makes him sad... but i can't escape from myself ... i can't run from this back hole i feel inside that is consumes me .. and the only flash of fleeting light is my baby when he giggles... it's just pure bliss
i can't explain to him when he asks... he won't understand, he is too focused , everything is so clear to him, i guess i am the only confusing thing in his life, which makes me feel i'm holding him back sometimes, negative vibes affects him so much and i pity him cause when i am in my pit i can't help him i can't pretend... and he can't help me either at least without any tips

and i get mad at myself what the @#$@ do you want... why aren't u happy?, or even satisfied why is there this shadow hanging over your head?, why can't you chase it away? what will make you feel better??what will make you feel better dammit? there is this tiny soul hanging on you for life and it's your duty to teach it how to live and how to be happy.... this i s your duty, your mission and how will you be able to give that you dont' have?

to work or not to work... that is the question

i'll skip all the political talk.. i guess it is over spoken about.. not because i i underestimate their importance... i just think that more talking will not get us anywhere.. it's the little things that we do that piles up and makes the huge mess we are suffering from...

back to my story... being a stay home mum for a bit over a year now, which sometimes drives me crazy and that drives the hubby crazy .. i started looking for some work i can do without disturbing the fine balance i finally have for my life and at the same time not putting my baby through a dramatic change for two reasons he really gets sick very easily, and i am trying to be a good mum (in my own point of view at least) and that requires a bit of sacrifice from my part..

i still feel my baby is too young.. i dnt have help at home.. and my husbands keeps me grounded against the alien forces that try to convince meto leave my baby in a nursery and enough is enough..

so a very good friend of mine suggested i's apply on the school he has been teaching in for a year now and went to through the trouble of arranging an interview for me.. why a school you ask? well it had 2 major advantages for me first the working hours were ok specially if it was part time, the second is they usually provide day care so instead of leaving kooky at a nursery i'll have him close by... but they l ( like most school as i later learned) were not hiring part timers... i got to know this really nice lady in that interview she liked me a lot that she actually took my number she was drawn to me cause i was a graduate of her kid's school and she kind of related to my state of mind at the time, wanting to work and at the same time trying to be fair to my child as in the matter of attention and care..

a few weeks later i found that,that same lady put in a good word for me at her old school where she used to work 10 mins away from my place.. the school had already started and they were desperate for a new teacher..

to cut a long story short... they tried to rip me off on the salary, they offered me less that 50% of what i can make anywhere else.. and amazingly i found out.

a week in the job i asked about my contract and i was giving a draft, which was a joke.. no right for me what so ever.. so i asked for amendments and the head of administration talked to me about them and we agrees on my points...

another week passed.. no contract.... ma3lesh asl el war2a da3et ektebeehom tanee.. which i did.... and then again where is my contract?... no contract.. it was pay day for the rest of the school and i noticed that no one is getting what they were supposed to be getting ... i asked for lay7et el gaza2aat .. and they looked at me as if i was crazy ( why is it in our culture that if we ask for our rights teb2a 3eeba??!!)

3rd week passed no contract.. i spoke to the adm head. he said he'll email the final draft.. no email..

the final day i left my very sick child, went to work... asked for the guy.. he was not there, left a word... finished my classes and went again ti ask ( howa bey2ool le 7adretek 7yeb2a yeshoof el mawdoo3 da) so i left and told them i will return when they have a contract cause there is nothing to prove i work here to protect my rights.. there is only 1 week till the end of the month

and i waited....( to be continued)

new me

I think before I can resume any writing here i should update my status
introducing the new me .. the wife.. the mother
along side the old me .. the woman .. the person