happiness .. huh?

i posted that a long time ago... and it's strange that i have those same feelings again.. it makes me more convinced that the problem lies within me.. i have so many things to feel thankful for... i have so many thinks people dream about.. yet i am fighting with this void... it's just void not discontent..
my hubby asks me an average 10 times a day " what is wrong?" it echoes in my head.. i sometimes try to even avoid the question every way i can cause i love him and me looking that way makes him sad... but i can't escape from myself ... i can't run from this back hole i feel inside that is consumes me .. and the only flash of fleeting light is my baby when he giggles... it's just pure bliss
i can't explain to him when he asks... he won't understand, he is too focused , everything is so clear to him, i guess i am the only confusing thing in his life, which makes me feel i'm holding him back sometimes, negative vibes affects him so much and i pity him cause when i am in my pit i can't help him i can't pretend... and he can't help me either at least without any tips

and i get mad at myself what the @#$@ do you want... why aren't u happy?, or even satisfied why is there this shadow hanging over your head?, why can't you chase it away? what will make you feel better??what will make you feel better dammit? there is this tiny soul hanging on you for life and it's your duty to teach it how to live and how to be happy.... this i s your duty, your mission and how will you be able to give that you dont' have?

to work or not to work... that is the question

i'll skip all the political talk.. i guess it is over spoken about.. not because i i underestimate their importance... i just think that more talking will not get us anywhere.. it's the little things that we do that piles up and makes the huge mess we are suffering from...

back to my story... being a stay home mum for a bit over a year now, which sometimes drives me crazy and that drives the hubby crazy .. i started looking for some work i can do without disturbing the fine balance i finally have for my life and at the same time not putting my baby through a dramatic change for two reasons he really gets sick very easily, and i am trying to be a good mum (in my own point of view at least) and that requires a bit of sacrifice from my part..

i still feel my baby is too young.. i dnt have help at home.. and my husbands keeps me grounded against the alien forces that try to convince meto leave my baby in a nursery and enough is enough..

so a very good friend of mine suggested i's apply on the school he has been teaching in for a year now and went to through the trouble of arranging an interview for me.. why a school you ask? well it had 2 major advantages for me first the working hours were ok specially if it was part time, the second is they usually provide day care so instead of leaving kooky at a nursery i'll have him close by... but they l ( like most school as i later learned) were not hiring part timers... i got to know this really nice lady in that interview she liked me a lot that she actually took my number she was drawn to me cause i was a graduate of her kid's school and she kind of related to my state of mind at the time, wanting to work and at the same time trying to be fair to my child as in the matter of attention and care..

a few weeks later i found that,that same lady put in a good word for me at her old school where she used to work 10 mins away from my place.. the school had already started and they were desperate for a new teacher..

to cut a long story short... they tried to rip me off on the salary, they offered me less that 50% of what i can make anywhere else.. and amazingly i found out.

a week in the job i asked about my contract and i was giving a draft, which was a joke.. no right for me what so ever.. so i asked for amendments and the head of administration talked to me about them and we agrees on my points...

another week passed.. no contract.... ma3lesh asl el war2a da3et ektebeehom tanee.. which i did.... and then again where is my contract?... no contract.. it was pay day for the rest of the school and i noticed that no one is getting what they were supposed to be getting ... i asked for lay7et el gaza2aat .. and they looked at me as if i was crazy ( why is it in our culture that if we ask for our rights teb2a 3eeba??!!)

3rd week passed no contract.. i spoke to the adm head. he said he'll email the final draft.. no email..

the final day i left my very sick child, went to work... asked for the guy.. he was not there, left a word... finished my classes and went again ti ask ( howa bey2ool le 7adretek 7yeb2a yeshoof el mawdoo3 da) so i left and told them i will return when they have a contract cause there is nothing to prove i work here to protect my rights.. there is only 1 week till the end of the month

and i waited....( to be continued)

new me

I think before I can resume any writing here i should update my status
introducing the new me .. the wife.. the mother
along side the old me .. the woman .. the person

I AM SCARED !!

i am a phsycho and every one around is

no one seems to be listening to anyone but themselves, and then pointing a finger at the other and calling them selfish or inconsiderate, that also includes me... 

everyone wants something and they want it right now, and you can't say a word or even frown cause you'll be bombarded with a flood of accusations i am just sick of it, there is too much pressure and i am about to burst, my  mind is gng around in circles and seems to be clowded with all those weird thoughts that don't make sense alone or together, i am having nightmares daily of weddings, exams and what life has in store the next few months, and no one seems to be seeing it.....

i need a hug a big warm motherly hug, the kind that makes it all go away...

its strange when we sometimes complain of the same things that makes us who we are

i feel you

i feel very blessed, el7amdulellah, if only we can be patient enough to walk through the darkness and reach the light everything happens for a reason, i just pray to always have the insight to see it, and the strength to belive in it.

back to what i wanted to write about today, i know i havent written anything in a loooooooooong time, everything is so hectic and time flies, studying, working, preparing , shopping, planning, and working again.....

i wanted to talk about that dream i had a couple of nights back, i  dreamt of my mother, i didn't see her face in the dream, but i felt like someone was holding me real tight, and i just knew it was her, i don't know if i belive in this kind of contact between souls, i ran to my brother (in the dream) to tell him, i  kept saying " mum is here i can feel it" he just glanced at me the way he always does laying on his bed not lookingup from his laptop " you are crazy, how can she be here" . but i felt it so real and i am grateful for that dream.

 mum i think of u always and i miss u all the time, i hope when u hear of me you are proud , i hope you know that i miss you and i never needed that hug more than now.

"i feel you

in every stone

in every leaf of every tree

that you ever might have grown,

i feel you

anyway, in every tear that i have shed

and every word i never said

i feel you"

                                                        [some techno song but it fits ~i feel you]

alone

its been only hours, but i am not ashamed to admit that i miss u like hell.. here is to the start of a really empty month or two

"My Lover's Gone"

My lover's gone
his boots no longer by my door
he left at dawn
and as I slept I felt him go
Returns no more
I will not watch the ocean
My lover's gone
no earthly ships will ever bring him home again
bring him home again

My lover's gone
I know that kiss will be my last
no more his song
the tune upon his lips has passed

I sing alone
while I watch the ocean
My lover's gone
no earthly ships will ever bring him home again
bring him home again

[dido - my lover's gone]