happiness .. huh?

i posted that a long time ago... and it's strange that i have those same feelings again.. it makes me more convinced that the problem lies within me.. i have so many things to feel thankful for... i have so many thinks people dream about.. yet i am fighting with this void... it's just void not discontent..
my hubby asks me an average 10 times a day " what is wrong?" it echoes in my head.. i sometimes try to even avoid the question every way i can cause i love him and me looking that way makes him sad... but i can't escape from myself ... i can't run from this back hole i feel inside that is consumes me .. and the only flash of fleeting light is my baby when he giggles... it's just pure bliss
i can't explain to him when he asks... he won't understand, he is too focused , everything is so clear to him, i guess i am the only confusing thing in his life, which makes me feel i'm holding him back sometimes, negative vibes affects him so much and i pity him cause when i am in my pit i can't help him i can't pretend... and he can't help me either at least without any tips

and i get mad at myself what the @#$@ do you want... why aren't u happy?, or even satisfied why is there this shadow hanging over your head?, why can't you chase it away? what will make you feel better??what will make you feel better dammit? there is this tiny soul hanging on you for life and it's your duty to teach it how to live and how to be happy.... this i s your duty, your mission and how will you be able to give that you dont' have?