whispers about attention

it is amazing how we as humans we tend to give and expect something in return even if not of a conscious level, we give someone your time, your attention, and you expect they will do the same... why?
you only have control over your own self, just because you chose to give away what yours doesn't obligate anyone to do the same ... so suck it up and be selfish for a change
attention is given not asked for, if you ask for it its meaningless even worse instead of being comforting it just hurts

it is when i shut you out, when i need you the most, it is when i feel lonely that  I need you to sit by me and not avoid me all together thinking it will pass through, it is when I feel overwhelmed when I need your help and not some advice on how to manage, it is you I need to talk to and not find comfort in anyone or anything else.... I can do that it is easier than asking you to be there, but I did not choose to live this life on my own, so don't let me I would rather be alone than feel all alone

a quote from my all time favorite
" Don't fall away,
and leave me to myself
Don't  walk away
and leave love bleeding in my hands again" hemorrhage - live 

life is hard why didn't they prepare us for that when we were young, why were we trapped in the idea that when we grow up we can do anything we want while every year passes another rope ties us down, why is talking so hard, why is being understood that hard, why is carefree happiness hard, why is  it that we only feel longing for something we can not achieve
why are we so tied to this life that is so temporary ... nothing has a true value and nothing lasts

p.s i know it is messed up ... i should blog more often

what if I run
run so fast and leave it all behind
will I stumble upon what i hope to find
what if I run and leave you behind
will you miss me
or just turn your back around
I need to run, run so fast somewhere
let be a new or an old ground
maybe you would catch up with me
yet this thought weighs me down to the ground
I have to run NOW when there is room to turn around
I hope you feel me
before you look around and I am no where to be found

trying to keep my demons locked in
so please stop knocking on their door
if you can't help me keeping them locked up
you certainly will not survive them out there

I come undone

i have been fighting this too long and i am tired
i see everything fall apart if i continue down that road and i am sinking
trying to go back to who i was but i am lost
trying to embrace who i have become but i can't
i see you there and i pity you to be stuck here
i sit alone and i pity me for facing it alone
sometimes it hurts less to go through things alone than to expect something, anything from someone that never comes..


"who do you love? who do you need? when you come undone" ~ Duran Duran

SHUT Up would you !!

i wish i could mute the voice in my head,
i can't make peace with it anymore.. it is shadowing everything
It keeps putting me down, resenting where and what I am, yet I don't want to go back to who I was
I feel trapped in a moment while the days go by
talking doesn't help anymore no one gets me including myself
If only I can mute this voice for a while, so I can think, so I can smile, so I can stop sucking the life out of everyone and everything

rules of happiness

rules of happiness include putting yourself first, being happy so you can help others be happy...
how can that be done when there is no time for you? I don't know or remember what would me me - only me - happy. the old stuff don't work and the new stuff don't either????
I am blessed with so many things that I am thankful for, but somehow I miss me, just me without anything or anyone else.

sometimes I am not sure which is worse, talking things out while you are certain that you will not be understood or at least feel a bit of empathy or false sense of understanding... or just keeping it in maybe it would feel better than expecting something you would not recieve

Quote for life

It takes years to build up trust but only seconds to destroy it 

Rant Rant cause that it all I can do

life is all ups and downs and you claim that I get trapped in the downs, i didn't chose to be who I grew up to be, but you chose to be with me. life is a matter of choice some choices are harder than others, love is an amazing thing but it is fragile and relative, and for life to move on day in and day out it needs more, cause if it just fuels on love it will wear it out... and as much as it is not a good enough reason to be together when it hurts, I do not think it is a good idea to wait until you hate to walk away... I am tired of talking although it is the only thing I can do right now, I do not recognize the voice that talks back to me in my head no  more ....

the mood song that I do not remember who sung it or the tune but the lyrics are ringing in my head specially this part

                " what do you want from me
                    It's not like it used to be
                    you've taken my life away
                   Ruining everything"

and the worst part it you are clueless of how and why it turned that way...............

baby don't hurt me... no more

why is there a trend of judging how big a wrong is according to the general norm, if I say something hurts me i expect you to stop it, i would do the same... it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks how trivial or small or even stupid it is.. I judge it by the pain in causes me not how people view it full stop. and after a certain amount of that I would stop caring cause i can only take so much.... do you seriously have to take it all the way there? I am not scared if you ... I am scared of me not caring and you should be too cause at that point nothing matters

i do not have a title for this post i just need to rant ...
a lot has happened and happening all around, and somehow i am stuck... why ? i do not know, i am tied by my own thoughts, they are building a wall that is getting taller and thicker everyday separating me from everyone even myself which i do not recognize anymore... somehow by the time i finish tending to everything they picture to me as important there is not space for me anymore.......
i miss me... i can't go back to who i was and i am not satisfied with who i have become ...

Misery likes company

It is amazing how and why people like sharing sad and negative emotions rather than happy ones, i used to think that maybe it is because they are afraid through sharing them the might loose them. while as women when we talk about things that bother us we feel better, but recently i am starting to believe that maybe it is because bad / sad moments are more than the good ones, they over shadow everything in a way... things may apparently look perfect but under that thin shell you never know!!!
maybe i am becoming an old in content person,  sometimes it am confused at myself is it really that bad? am i over doing it, are the things that are bothering me really trivial? am I shallow? i always thought that one is the reference of what is important and what is not cause things that please or bother me are different from any one else's but somehow i am forced to caliber by feelings according to other people and i am getting tired of that ... i want someone to tap me on the shoulder and tell me it's ok and i am normal .... i have the right to feel bad !!!!! 

happiness .. huh?

i posted that a long time ago... and it's strange that i have those same feelings again.. it makes me more convinced that the problem lies within me.. i have so many things to feel thankful for... i have so many thinks people dream about.. yet i am fighting with this void... it's just void not discontent..
my hubby asks me an average 10 times a day " what is wrong?" it echoes in my head.. i sometimes try to even avoid the question every way i can cause i love him and me looking that way makes him sad... but i can't escape from myself ... i can't run from this back hole i feel inside that is consumes me .. and the only flash of fleeting light is my baby when he giggles... it's just pure bliss
i can't explain to him when he asks... he won't understand, he is too focused , everything is so clear to him, i guess i am the only confusing thing in his life, which makes me feel i'm holding him back sometimes, negative vibes affects him so much and i pity him cause when i am in my pit i can't help him i can't pretend... and he can't help me either at least without any tips

and i get mad at myself what the @#$@ do you want... why aren't u happy?, or even satisfied why is there this shadow hanging over your head?, why can't you chase it away? what will make you feel better??what will make you feel better dammit? there is this tiny soul hanging on you for life and it's your duty to teach it how to live and how to be happy.... this i s your duty, your mission and how will you be able to give that you dont' have?

to work or not to work... that is the question

i'll skip all the political talk.. i guess it is over spoken about.. not because i i underestimate their importance... i just think that more talking will not get us anywhere.. it's the little things that we do that piles up and makes the huge mess we are suffering from...

back to my story... being a stay home mum for a bit over a year now, which sometimes drives me crazy and that drives the hubby crazy .. i started looking for some work i can do without disturbing the fine balance i finally have for my life and at the same time not putting my baby through a dramatic change for two reasons he really gets sick very easily, and i am trying to be a good mum (in my own point of view at least) and that requires a bit of sacrifice from my part..

i still feel my baby is too young.. i dnt have help at home.. and my husbands keeps me grounded against the alien forces that try to convince meto leave my baby in a nursery and enough is enough..

so a very good friend of mine suggested i's apply on the school he has been teaching in for a year now and went to through the trouble of arranging an interview for me.. why a school you ask? well it had 2 major advantages for me first the working hours were ok specially if it was part time, the second is they usually provide day care so instead of leaving kooky at a nursery i'll have him close by... but they l ( like most school as i later learned) were not hiring part timers... i got to know this really nice lady in that interview she liked me a lot that she actually took my number she was drawn to me cause i was a graduate of her kid's school and she kind of related to my state of mind at the time, wanting to work and at the same time trying to be fair to my child as in the matter of attention and care..

a few weeks later i found that,that same lady put in a good word for me at her old school where she used to work 10 mins away from my place.. the school had already started and they were desperate for a new teacher..

to cut a long story short... they tried to rip me off on the salary, they offered me less that 50% of what i can make anywhere else.. and amazingly i found out.

a week in the job i asked about my contract and i was giving a draft, which was a joke.. no right for me what so ever.. so i asked for amendments and the head of administration talked to me about them and we agrees on my points...

another week passed.. no contract.... ma3lesh asl el war2a da3et ektebeehom tanee.. which i did.... and then again where is my contract?... no contract.. it was pay day for the rest of the school and i noticed that no one is getting what they were supposed to be getting ... i asked for lay7et el gaza2aat .. and they looked at me as if i was crazy ( why is it in our culture that if we ask for our rights teb2a 3eeba??!!)

3rd week passed no contract.. i spoke to the adm head. he said he'll email the final draft.. no email..

the final day i left my very sick child, went to work... asked for the guy.. he was not there, left a word... finished my classes and went again ti ask ( howa bey2ool le 7adretek 7yeb2a yeshoof el mawdoo3 da) so i left and told them i will return when they have a contract cause there is nothing to prove i work here to protect my rights.. there is only 1 week till the end of the month

and i waited....( to be continued)

new me

I think before I can resume any writing here i should update my status
introducing the new me .. the wife.. the mother
along side the old me .. the woman .. the person

I AM SCARED !!

i am a phsycho and every one around is

no one seems to be listening to anyone but themselves, and then pointing a finger at the other and calling them selfish or inconsiderate, that also includes me... 

everyone wants something and they want it right now, and you can't say a word or even frown cause you'll be bombarded with a flood of accusations i am just sick of it, there is too much pressure and i am about to burst, my  mind is gng around in circles and seems to be clowded with all those weird thoughts that don't make sense alone or together, i am having nightmares daily of weddings, exams and what life has in store the next few months, and no one seems to be seeing it.....

i need a hug a big warm motherly hug, the kind that makes it all go away...

its strange when we sometimes complain of the same things that makes us who we are

i feel you

i feel very blessed, el7amdulellah, if only we can be patient enough to walk through the darkness and reach the light everything happens for a reason, i just pray to always have the insight to see it, and the strength to belive in it.

back to what i wanted to write about today, i know i havent written anything in a loooooooooong time, everything is so hectic and time flies, studying, working, preparing , shopping, planning, and working again.....

i wanted to talk about that dream i had a couple of nights back, i  dreamt of my mother, i didn't see her face in the dream, but i felt like someone was holding me real tight, and i just knew it was her, i don't know if i belive in this kind of contact between souls, i ran to my brother (in the dream) to tell him, i  kept saying " mum is here i can feel it" he just glanced at me the way he always does laying on his bed not lookingup from his laptop " you are crazy, how can she be here" . but i felt it so real and i am grateful for that dream.

 mum i think of u always and i miss u all the time, i hope when u hear of me you are proud , i hope you know that i miss you and i never needed that hug more than now.

"i feel you

in every stone

in every leaf of every tree

that you ever might have grown,

i feel you

anyway, in every tear that i have shed

and every word i never said

i feel you"

                                                        [some techno song but it fits ~i feel you]